March
21
2009
Three Labrador retrievers – a brown, yellow and black – are sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the brown and says, ‘So why are you here?’ The brown lab replies, ‘I’m a pisser. I piss on everything – the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.’
The black lab says, ‘So what is the vet going to do?’ ‘Gonna give me Prozac,’ came the reply from the brown lab. ‘All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything.’ He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, ‘Why are you here?’
The yellow lab says, ‘ I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a big hole in my owner’s couch.’ ‘So what are they going to do to you?’ the black lab inquired. ‘Looks like Prozac for me too,’ the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he’s at the vet’s office for. I’m a humper,’ the black lab says. ‘I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away.’
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, ‘So, Prozac for you too, huh?’ The black lab says, ‘No, I’m here to get my nails clipped.’
March
21
2009
March
20
2009
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ” ~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
~ Henny Youngman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”
~ Stephen Wright
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”
~ Brian O’Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of “Cheers”.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went:
“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first… This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake
of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
March
17
2009
March
17
2009
March
17
2009
And Why You’d Want To Stick Your Hand Up It Is Even More Of A Mystery…
March
17
2009
http://www.soulpancake.com/
March
17
2009
March
16
2009
March
16
2009
Here Comes The Judge…
March
14
2009
click to enlarge
So Good You’ll… Wait… WTF?!?!
March
14
2009
March
14
2009
March
14
2009
March
13
2009
March
13
2009
Men.. Learn This And Live…
There are 28 days in a womans menstrual cycle. This cycle is what really determines how things go between you and her. For example, on Day 24 you should learn to duck. I talked to sex experts and discovered how the hormonal fluxes in a woman’s body affect her moods-and your life-throughout the month. Now I have a handy schedule for you to consult when you want to know which days you’re going to have sex, which days your going to get yelled at, and which days your going to get yelled at during sex.
DAY 1 TO 5: She’s ready to iron and fold
What’s happening to her: She may complain of cramps a few days before this, but this is where the cycle really starts. Her estrogen levels are dropping, so there’s only a 2% chance she’ll get pregnant if you have sex. That would be great news, except you won’t be having sex right now. Thanks to those low estrogen levels, she currently sees you as a large lump of cells in a stupid shirt.
Your strategy: Lack of estrogen can also trigger insomnia and restlessness, which is why many women feel the urge to clean and organize during these days, says Christine Northrup, M.D., author of Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom (I read it so you wouldn’t have to). My suggestion: Forget about sex and point her to the clothes.
DAYS 6 TO 9: She’s up for anything
What’s happening to her: She’s calmer and happier now because her body is saturated in feel-good hormones and endorphins. “That means she’s more receptive to new and creative ideas,” says Northrup.
Your strategy: Break out the new and creative ideas! This is the time to settle old disputes and get buy-in on your golf trip with the guys.
DAYS 10 TO 14: She’s horny.
What’s happening to her: A rise in the hormone androgen has rekindled her interest in sex. This causes the thin lining of mucus around her cervix-deep inside her at the entrance to the uterus-to become thin and watery.
Your strategy: Your woman’s so ready, you may not need more than a few minutes of foreplay. “Set the mood in a few seconds by telling her how much you want to have sex with her,” says Tara Roth Madden, author of Romance on the Run–Quality Sex for Bust Couples. Your pants should be off before you finish the sentence.
DAY 15: She’s really horny
What’s happening to her: On the positive side, she CRAVES sex because she’s at her most fertile. On the negative side, the sex doesn’t necessarily have to be with you. Research shows she’s more likely to be unfaithful during this time. In one study, researchers observed 500 women in nightclubs and found that they were more likely to wear revealing clothes and send suggestive signals to men in this phase of their cycle. Naturally, the researchers still went home alone.
Your strategy: Don’t let her out of the house by herself. Instead, take advantage of her adventurous mood by trying a new position or location.
DAYS 16 TO 23: She’s a lesbian
What’s happening to her: Her estrogen level is dropping again, so she’s less fertile. Research shows that during these 8 days, she’s more attracted to feminine-looking men because they appear more nurturing (as I call it, the Justin Timberlake factor). She’s no longer looking for a strong man to provide sturdy genes and protection.
Your strategy: Shave and put on some Melissa Etheridge.
DAYS 24 TO 28 She could crack at any moment
What’s happening to her: Estrogen continues to fall as tantrum-provoking progesterone rises. This leads to premenstrual syndrome, during which she’ll be extra sensitive to criticism, more neurotic about her looks, and more likely to throw a fit, or a Crock-Pot.
Your strategy: Play tennis or go run with her-vigorous exercise can reduce her symptoms. That way, if she “feels fat”, at least she’s doing something about it.
DAYS 26 TO 28: She’s craving ice cream and jelly beans
What’s happening to her: Her estrogen and progesterone levels are falling as her body prepares to start the cycle all over again. Low estrogen causes her to crave high-fat foods such as chocolate, which studies show can elevate mood.
Your strategy: Indulge her cravings by taking her out to eat rather than bringing home some Ben & Jerry’s. Reason? She’ll eat the whole tub and blame you for letting her do it.
Memorize this.
Sent via email… Thanks Ellen
March
11
2009
March
11
2009
I’d feel like someone was reading over my shoulder…
