And My Favorite…
A Bed With A Moat Around It…
I’d hate falling in myself… But Oh Lordy! What would be my fate if Mama fell in?
Presidential Press Secretary Robert Gibbs grants an exclusive interview to the Washington Post’s Lois Romano… Who promptly makes an ass of herself by asking why no major newspapers were allowed to ask any questions during the Prez’s prime time news conference… Hey Lady!! The Washington Post got to ask a question!! You work for it! Isn’t The Washington Post considered a “Major Newspaper”?
Then Miss Dizzy launches into questions about the teleprompter… Which causes Gibbs to tell her at least 4 ways that she’s being stupid and wasting her opportunity and his time… It goes right over her head.
No wonder newspapers are dying.
2009 has been an historic year … So far…
The most powerful politician in the world is Black…
The head of the Republican National Committee is Black…
The best known media mogul on earth is Black…
The greatest golfer in the world is Black…
The top female tennis players in the world are Black…
The highest grossing actor worldwide is Black…
The fastest racing driver in the world is Black…
The brightest Astrophysicist under the sun is Black…
The Superbowl-winning Head Coach is Black…
The most successful brain surgeon in the world is Black…
The fastest human on the planet is Black…
... Michael Jackson has got to be kicking himself…
Found in restrooms around the US:
The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL
Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.
* Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL
If you voted for Obama in the last election, you can’t take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
* Men’s room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington
Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
* Armand’s Pizza, Washington, D.C.
If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he’d say we were stopping for ice.
* Smoky Joe’s, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Remember, it’s not, ‘How high are you?’ it’s ‘Hi, how are you?’
* Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
* Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
* Men’s restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. * Bentley’s House of Coffee and
Tea, Tucson, Arizona
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.
Make love, not war. – Hell, do both, get married!
God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
* The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, D.C.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books, New York, New York
A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
* Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, Texas.
JESUS SAVES! But wouldn’t it be better if He had invested?
* Men’s restroom, American University, Washington, D.C.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Express Lane: Five beers or less
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix,AZ.
You’re too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA.
No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA.
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men’s restroom, Lynagh’s, Lexington, Kentucky.
This lady is a true songbird… Listen to the melodies she produces using only her vocal cords… No electronic tweaking… ENJOY
This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.
The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.
Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.
Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex.
Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
And the father says “Okay dammit, I’ll do the dishes!”
Three Labrador retrievers – a brown, yellow and black – are sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the brown and says, ‘So why are you here?’ The brown lab replies, ‘I’m a pisser. I piss on everything – the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.’
The black lab says, ‘So what is the vet going to do?’ ‘Gonna give me Prozac,’ came the reply from the brown lab. ‘All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything.’ He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, ‘Why are you here?’
The yellow lab says, ‘ I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a big hole in my owner’s couch.’ ‘So what are they going to do to you?’ the black lab inquired. ‘Looks like Prozac for me too,’ the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he’s at the vet’s office for. I’m a humper,’ the black lab says. ‘I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away.’
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, ‘So, Prozac for you too, huh?’ The black lab says, ‘No, I’m here to get my nails clipped.’
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
~ Jack Handy
“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ” ~Frank Sinatra
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
~ Henny Youngman
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.”
~ Stephen Wright
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!”
~ Brian O’Rourke
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
~ Benjamin Franklin
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
~ Dave Barry
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of “Cheers”.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went:
“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first… This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake
of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
And Why You’d Want To Stick Your Hand Up It Is Even More Of A Mystery…