19 Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn
By Dave Barry…
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.
I Wonder How You Put It In “Valet” Mode?
We’re always reading about how difficult it is to get pandas to “do it”….
This Fountain Is In Canal City, Japan… It’s A Good Example Of Why I Like Visiting Japan… Always Something New And Innovative Going On…
Jim Fixx, who wrote “The Complete Book of Running” and lectured about how running and a healthy diet would promote longevity, dropped dead from a heart attack while running. An autopsy revealed he had 3 massively blocked heart arteries.
Here’s 10 for you to double check…
1. Dormitory = Dirty Room
2. Evangelist = Evil’s Agent
3. Postmaster = Stamp Store
4. The eyes = They see
5. Desperation = A Rope Ends It
6. Conversation = Voices Rant On
7. Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
8. Funeral = Real Fun
9. Vacation Times = I’m Not as Active
10. A Decimal Point = I’m a Dot in Place
And One For The Road… Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Extreme Swim Trunks…The Lady From FL Sends These…Crystal Must Have Been Really Bored Waiting Out That Storm…
So that the old FourEyes doesn’t have to read lots and lots of emails accusing me of “stealing” these watermarked pics (even though I’m just re-posting a forwarded email) …
I’m providing a link to Vizeau.com so that the strictly puritan and lecherous alike can give them some traffic and hopefully some business.
This one might enhance all the gray hair I’ve got down there!
I went to their website… I was shocked… Shocked, I tell you!! :-O
My buns of butter would look awesome in this one!!
I can see myself in this one for sure!!
Not my cup of tea…
I could sooo strut this one!
Now these are what I call practical!
Lots More At Vizeau.com
It was his last wish…
A man in Puerto Rico died and his family had the mortician embalm him so that he could stand up…. And then they proceeded to have a 3 day wake in their home for him.
Dressed in a Yankees baseball cap and sunglasses, 24 year old Angel Pantoja Medina was mourned by relatives while propped upright in his mother’s living room.
It ‘s hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’ The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, ‘It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.’
Now wipe that silly smile off your face.
Crystal was bored while waiting out tropical storm Fay…
I know!.. I know!… I’m A Pig. .. But… If there are women who have no better sense than to package their hiney’s in spray paint and parade around them around in public… Then even though I may go tsk..tsk..tsk… I’m certainly entitled to look.
But… There is a price that we pay for brazenly looking at tiny hiney…
Ain’t Karma Grand?
Yes.. It’s real… And quite good too.
There’s BIG RED HINEY and TINY HINEY… And Even Some FINE WHITE HINEY… And You can get ‘em HERE at Skylite Cellars