A Woman’s Perfect Day
8:15 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 – Weigh-in… 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 – 9:00 – Breakfast in bed…freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents… expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 – Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 – Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 – Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 – Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 – Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 22lbs
1:00 – Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 – Nap
4:00 – Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 – Massage from strong but gentle hunk-says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 – Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 – Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 – Hot shower- alone
10:50 – Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 – Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 – Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
A Man’s Perfect Day
6:00 – Alarm
6:15 – Blow job
6:30 – Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 – Breakfast-steak and eggs, coffee and toast-all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 – Limo arrives
7:45 – Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 – Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 - Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club… (blow job en-route)
9:45 – Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 – Lunch-steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Peringon
12:15 - Blow job
12:30 – Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 - Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 – Fly to Bahamas
3:30 – Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 – Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)-on light tackle
5:00 – Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle Macpherson
6:45 – Shit, shower and shave
7:00 – Watch news… Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 – Dinner-lobster appetizers, Dom Peringon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:30 - Sex with three women… all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 – Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 – Night-cap blow job
11:45 – In bed alone
11:50 - A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 – Laugh yourself to sleep
Press your ground meat into a ziplock bag… Then use a chopstick to divide… Kind of nice if you add spices first.
Fold… Then freeze… Break off individual patties as needed…
The Proper Way To Come Home Drunk
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, and take my shoes off before I go into the house. I sneak up the stairs, and get undressed in the bathroom. Then I stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I tiptoe into the bedroom and ease into bed. My wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His friend looks at him and says, ” Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, WHO’S HORNY?????!!! And she acts like she’s sound asleep!!
It works every time!!!
Truth Before Marriage
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was ok because he loved her soooo much. However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said….
“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant-sized penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants she began to scream and run out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”
“Yes, it is….. 8 pounds, 7ounces, 19 inches long!!
He’s Got A Nasty Discharge…
I Didn’t Know You Could Tell If Trees Were Male Or Female…
IMHO… One Of The Greatest Recordings In Music History…
|John Coltrane – My Favorite Things|
|Found at bee mp3 search engine|
*Just in case… “Beer is good… Says the Doctor”
I’m pretty sure I’d admit that my grandmother was hiding Osama Bin Laden under her bed if I had to go through this…
This “Making Of” video shows that they really did put an actor through real waterboarding… He should get a Golden Globe at least…
See It HERE
OK… Now You’ve Seen It… Is It Torture?…
Adm. Michael Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said a conflict with Iran would be “extremely stressing” but not impossible for U.S. forces, pointing to reserve capabilities in the Navy and Air Force.
In a speech Monday, Gates said Iran “is hell-bent on acquiring nuclear weapons.” He said war would be “disastrous” but added that “the military option must be kept on the table, given the destabilizing policies of the regime and the risks inherent in a future Iranian nuclear threat.”
Read More HERE
It starts slow… But is worth every minute!
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees.
The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
Words Created From Nothing
Examples of words that have just appeared in the language out of nothing are byte, dog (replacing the earlier hund), donkey, jam, kick, log, googol, quasar and yuppie. The latter two are acronyms (words made from initials). Shakespere coined over 1600 words including countless, critical, excellent, lonely, majestic, obscene.
From Ben Johnson we got damp, from Isaac Newton centrifugal and from Thomas More: explain and exact.
Words Created In Error
The vegetable pease was thought to be a plural so that the individual item in the pod was given the name pea. The verb laze was erroneously created from the adjective lazy. The word buttonhole was a mis-hearing of button-hold.
Read More HERE
- When you are snoring, you are not dreaming.
- Toddlers do not dream about themselves until around the age of 3. From the same age, children typically have many more nightmares than adults do until age 7 or 8.
- If you are awakened out of REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep, you are more likely to remember your dream in a more vivid way than you would if you woke from a full night sleep.
10 More Amazing Dream Facts… HERE