| You skanky Misfit.
| You dweeby Slut.
| You moronic Fat-Ass.
| You utterly friendless Rat.
|You ugly Hog.|
I can’t say that this is a “secret” of mine… Anyone who knows me knows this is one of my favorite passtimes!
Remember that cute little Coppertone girl
of the 50′s and ’60′s?
Well, she’s all grown up now,
and living in Sarasota, Florida.
This is the yearly list of things as they were when the current class of college freshmen were born… Links to additional years are HERE…Thanks Alf!
Beloit College’s Mindset List®
for the Class of 2011
Most of the students entering College this fall, members of the Class of 2011, were born in 1989. For them, Alvin Ailey, Andrei Sakharov, Huey Newton, Emperor Hirohito, Ted Bundy, Abbie Hoffman, and Don the Beachcomber have always been dead.
1. What Berlin wall?
2 Humvees, minus the artillery, have always been available to the public.
3 Rush Limbaugh and the “Dittoheads” have always been lambasting liberals.
4 They never “rolled down” a car window.
5. Michael Moore has always been angry and funny.
6.They may confuse the Keating Five with a rock group.
7.They have grown up with bottled water.
9. General Motors has always been working on an electric car.
10. Nelson Mandela has always been free and a force in South Africa.
11. Pete Rose has never played baseball.
12. Rap music has always been mainstream.
13.Religious leaders have always been telling politicians what to do, or else!
14. “Off the hook” has never had anything to do with a telephone.
15. Music has always been “unplugged.”
16.Russia has always had a multi-party political system.
17. Women have always been police chiefs in major cities.
19. They were born the year Harvard Law Review Editor Barack Obama announced he might run for office some day.
20. The NBA season has always gone on and on and on and on.
21. Classmates could include Michelle Wie, Jordin Sparks, and Bart Simpson.
22. Half of them may have been members of the Baby-sitters Club.
23. Eastern Airlines has never “earned their wings” in their lifetime.
24. No one has ever been able to sit down comfortably to a meal of “liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”
25. Wal-Mart has always been a larger retailer than Sears and has always employed more workers than GM.
26. Being “lame” has to do with being dumb or inarticulate, not disabled.
27. Wolf Blitzer has always been serving up the news on CNN.
28.Katie Couric has always had screen cred.
29. Al Gore has always been running for president or thinking about it.
30. They never found a prize in a Coca-Cola “MagiCan.”
31. They were too young to understand Judas Priest’s subliminal messages.
32 When all else fails, the Prozac defense has always been a possibility.
33.Multigrain chips have always provided healthful junk food.
34. They grew up in Wayne’s World.
35. U2 has always been more than a spy plane.
36.They were introduced to Jack Nicholson as “The Joker.”
37. Stadiums, rock tours and sporting events have always had corporate names.
38 American rock groups have always appeared in Moscow.
39.Commercial product placements have been the norm in films and on TV.
40. On Parents’ Day on campus, their folks could be mixing it up with Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz with daughter Zoe, or Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford with son Cody.
41. Fox has always been a major network.
42 They drove their parents crazy with the Beavis and Butt-Head laugh.
43.The “Blue Man Group” has always been everywhere.
44. Women’s studies majors have always been offered on campus.
45. Being a latchkey kid has never been a big deal.
46. Thanks to MySpace and Facebook, autobiography can happen in real time.
47. They learned about JFK from Oliver Stone and Malcolm X from Spike Lee.
48. Most phone calls have never been private.
49. High definition television has always been available.
50. Microbreweries have always been ubiquitous.
51. Virtual reality has always been available when the real thing failed.
52. Smoking has never been allowed in public spaces in France.
53.China has always been more interested in making money than in reeducation.
54. Time has always worked with Warner.
55.Tiananmen Square is a 2008 Olympics venue, not the scene of a massacre.
56. The purchase of ivory has always been banned.
57. MTV has never featured music videos.
58. The space program has never really caught their attention except in disasters.
59.Jerry Springer has always been lowering the level of discourse on TV.
60. They get much more information from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than from the newspaper.
61. They’re always texting 1 n other.
62.They will encounter roughly equal numbers of female and male professors in the classroom.
63. They never saw Johnny Carson live on television.
64.They have no idea who Rusty Jones was or why he said “goodbye to rusty cars.”
65. Avatars have nothing to do with Hindu deities.
66. Chavez has nothing to do with iceberg lettuce and everything to do with oil.
67. Illinois has been trying to ban smoking since the year they were born.
68. The World Wide Web has been an online tool since they were born.
69.Chronic fatigue syndrome has always been debilitating and controversial.
70. Burma has always been Myanmar.
71. Dilbert has always been ridiculing cubicle culture.
72. Food packaging has always included nutritional labeling.
“Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?” - Don Rickles”
Like a death at a birthday party, you ruin all the fun… Like a sucked and spat out smartie, you’re no use to anyone.” – John Cooper Clarke
“He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.” – Anon
“She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly.”
- Richard Burton talking about Elizabeth Taylor
“She loves ‘NATURE’ – In spite of what it did to her.” - Anon
“Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?” – Don Rickles
“When He comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs.” - Anon
“I don’t want you to turn the other cheek – it’s just as ugly.” - Anon
take home ugly men
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let’s all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand’s Pizza, Washington, DC
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LA
No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC
At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It’s hard to make a comeback
when you haven’t been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
New York , New York .
If pro is opposite of con… then
what is the opposite of progress?
Men’s restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ
You’re too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom
Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills ,CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom,
Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills ,CA
A Woman’s Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you’re going to have trouble with it
Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a
A man never worries about the future until he gets a
A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a
lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men do, but
married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t
change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking
me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re
next.” They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. “One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban.
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out, “One Texan is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers.” *Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences… After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Texan voice calls out, “One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban”. The enraged Taliban Commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune… Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men, its a trap. *
*There’s two of them.”*
The Three Stages of Matrimony
Even Though My Sister in Law is in Mourning… She Still Has a Hell of a Sense of Humor
Family photograph made into Christmas cards at print shop – $100
Not noticing Waldo in the upper right corner – PRICELESS
For Everything Else . . . There’s Mastercard.
8/14 is the one year anniversary of my brother’s death from a sudden heart attack at 41 years of age… I hope this will help someone.
Doctors are reinventing how they treat sudden cardiac arrest, which is fatal 95 percent of the time. A report from the border between life and death.
By Jerry Adler
July 23, 2007 issue – Bill Bondar knows exactly where he died: on the sidewalk outside his house in a retirement community in southern New Jersey. It was 10:30 on the night of May 23, a Wednesday, and Bondar was 61Ã¢â‚¬â€a retired computer programmer with a cherry red Gibson bass guitar, an instrument he had first picked up around the same time as Chuck Berry. He was 6 feet 1 and 208 pounds, down about 50 pounds over the last several years. On that night he had driven home from a jam session with two friends and, as he was unloading his car, his heart stopped. That is the definition of “clinical death,” one of several definitions doctors use, not always with precision. He wasn’t yet “brain dead,” implying a permanent cessation of cerebral function, or “legally dead,” i.e., fit to be buried. But he was dead enough to terrify his wife, Monica, who found him moments later, unconscious, not breathing, with no pulse. His eyes were open, but glassyÃ¢â‚¬â€”like marbles,” Monica says, “with no life in them. They were the eyes of a dead man.”
Xingu is said to be intelligent and fond of salty biscuits
Explorer Colonel John Blashford-Snell has had close encounters with vampire bats and angry bees, but his latest brush has been with a rather odd dog. He spotted a rare breed of Double-Nosed Andean tiger hound, which has two noses, on a recent trip to Bolivia.
The chairman of the Scientific Exploration Society said the dog, named Xingu, was “not terribly handsome”.
He said: “This breed could be used for sniffing out mines or narcotics because they have an enhanced sense of smell.”
Colonel Blashford-Snell first encountered a Double-Nosed Andean tiger hound called Bella in 2005 when he was carrying out reconnaissance for this year’s expedition in the area near Ojaki.
Man arrested after attack on 4 grandmothers at beauty salon
WILKES-BARRE, Pennsylvania (AP) — A 41-year-old man stormed a beauty salon and bludgeoned four grandmothers with a hammer, fracturing one’s skull, before making off with less than $90, police said.
Thomas Leyshon III, of Mountain Top, was arrested after a daylong manhunt Friday.
The women, ages 56 to 76, did not resist but were beaten anyway, witnesses said. At least one required surgery.
“It takes a coward to go after some old women,” said Andy Chopka, grandson of victim Jeanna Chopka.
Authorities allege Leyshon attacked a co-owner of Hairem Family Hair and Nail Care while demanding money from the register and the women’s purses.
“This is a completely senseless act of brutality against women who were doing nothing more than spending a day at the beauty parlor,” prosecutor David Lupas said. “These are … the most vulnerable of victims.”
Leyshon was being held Saturday on $100,000 bail. It was not immediately clear if hehad a lawyer.
“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born” – Ronald Reagan
“A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.” – Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams
“If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.” – Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono
“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” – Cynthia Heimel
WASHINGTON (AP) — Frequent tours for U.S. forces in Iraq and Afghanistan have stressed the all-volunteer force and made it worth considering a return to a military draft, President Bush’s new war adviser said Friday.
Army Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute is the president’s war adviser. Several retired generals turned down the post.
“I think it makes sense to certainly consider it,” Army Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute said in an interview with National Public Radio’s “All Things Considered.”
“And I can tell you, this has always been an option on the table. But ultimately, this is a policy matter between meeting the demands for the nation’s security by one means or another,” said Lute, who is sometimes referred to as the “Iraq war czar.” It was his first interview since he was confirmed by the Senate in June.
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said “Call for my lawyer.”
When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.
The man replied “Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I’d check out the same way.”
“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.” – Groucho Marx
“He has a face like a Saint – A Saint Bernard.” - Anon
“Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?” – Don Rickles
“When He comes into a room, the mice jump on chairs.” – Anon
Ã‚Â ”I don’t want you to turn the other cheek – it’s just as ugly.” – Anon