click to enlarge
Ladies…These are our rules! If you love us … You’ll abide by them.
Please note.. these are all numbered “1 “
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports: It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want…
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1.. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials…
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color… Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape.. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’
The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.
‘That’s very good!’ replied the interviewer.
‘And, now you sir?’, he asked the second man.
“’Hmmm…let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. “A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.”
‘Excellent!’ said the interviewer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche for speed.’
He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’
‘WHAT!?’ said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’
BUBBA is now the new greeter at the local Wal-Mart!
You’ll probably think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart
This is actually there… Check your End User Agreement.
click to enlarge
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!! …PLEASE READ!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden…
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing…
As I start toward the garage…
I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car…
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think…
Since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway… I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left…
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye…
They need water…
I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote…
Someone left it on the kitchen table…
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs…
But first I’ll water the flowers…
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
- the car isn’t washed
- the bills aren’t paid
- there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
- the flowers don’t have enough water,
- there is still only 1 check in my check book,
- I can’t find the remote,
- I can’t find my glasses,
- and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys…
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail….
Do me a favor…
Let Me Know If I’ve Posted This Before…
Because I damn sure don’t remember!