He’s putting the laughter back into manslaughter.

When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!

The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I told the butcher I’d give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. He said he couldn’t. The steaks were too high.

The most effective copyright protection known to man : a scratched CD.

Coffee just isn’t my cup of tea.

Yo momma’s so fat, she walked past the TV and I missed the first season of Lost.

If your name was homework, I would be doing you on my desk right now.

Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

Without me, it’s just aweso.

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin – it’s the triumphant twang of a bedspring.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

When I said ‘death’ before ‘dishonor’, I meant alphabetically.

When shooting a mime, don’t use a silencer or his friends will hear you.

Hurricanes are like women : when they come, they’re wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

A little necrophilia never killed anyone.

Dyslexics Of The World Untie.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they screw up I will just hit them all at once.

I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice.

Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

He who laughs last probably does not get the joke.

I miss you like a retard misses the point.

Don’t steal. The government hates competition.

You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?

If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

I went to a restaurant that served breakfast at anytime, so i ordered french toast during the renaissance.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson’s No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.

Who’s General Failure & why is he reading my disk?

Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.

He’s so far in the closet he’s in Narnia.

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you’ll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

Why do we call them buildings when they’re finished? Shouldn’t they be called Builts?

Screw me if I’m wrong, but have we met before?

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

The Vending Machine Theory : “Stuff tastes better when it falls”.

It appears the location of my fist and your head are not mutually exclusive! It is a probability miracle!

Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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