January
5
2009
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’
‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’
‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat’.
After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’
‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’
‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’
‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’
‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.
‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’
‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.
‘Oh, my word!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’
‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.
‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’
‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’
‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’
‘Tripod?’
‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’
Mrs. Smith fainted
January
3
2009
January
3
2009
January
3
2009
Toothpaste, Toys, Baby Milk… What’s next?… Try Honey…
From The Telegraph:
So-called “honey laundering” involves elaborate schemes in which cheap, diluted or contaminated honey from China is brought in after being “laundered” in another country to disguise its origin and evade tariffs and health inspections.
A five-month investigation by the Seattle Post-Intelligencer newspaper found the international honey trade rife with criminal enterprises designed to take advantage of the demand for imports created by the mysterious collapse of bee colonies across America.
According to the paper, large shipments of tainted honey from China have recently arrived at Western US ports after being repackaged as a product of Russia. Tens of thousands of tons of honey also enter the US each year from countries with few bees and no record of exporting honey such as Singapore and the Bahamas.
Other shipments have come via India, Malaysia, Australia, Indonesia, Thailand and even Poland.
The smugglers aim to avoid the health checks, tariffs and import fees imposed on foreign food products that deliberately undercut US domestic prices.
Read More HERE
January
2
2009
Dear Number One Son,
We can’t believe how quickly time has flown and how incredible you are. It has been 240 months since you appeared on the scene. Although you refused to show up on New Years Day… You caused us to sit in the hospital for 18 hours starting on New Years Eve… (“Happy New Years Sweetheart… Have an ice chip!”)… But You were a beautiful baby, despite the horrible photo taken of you in the hospital – the photo we didn’t mail to family with your birth announcements because we didn’t want to worry them or prompt them to obtain unnecessary genetic testing.
It did concern us that your sole focus during most of your childhood seemed to be food. You demanded cereal in your bottles at only six weeks. (Or at least that’s when we caught on. You’ll have to forgive the delay, we were horribly sleep deprived what with not having slept AT ALL for, oh, about SIX WEEKS.)
When you were two and leaned against the space heater and branded yourself … Your mother thought you were retarded because you didn’t cry. I, on the other hand thought I’d given rise to a young superhero. Your uncles sure treated you like a superhero though. Thanks to your uncle the Limo driver… You showed up to day care and kindergarten in a stretch limousine more often than not.
Even though you got held back in kindergarten (“Whaaa!”)… You eventually tested out to the “gifted” level… (Whew!)… But not until we found out you needed coke bottle glasses.
We thought you’d have a weak stomach due to the fact that you threw up in almost every decent restaurant in town before you were seven. The fact that you came over and doctored up my pot of chili to 3 alarm status a couple of days ago disproves that theory.
You were such a great little kid. So goofy and silly, and so much fun to be with. You still have a wonderful sense of humor and I love how you can make us all laugh. You have always been a joy to be around, except for a few times, a lot of times between grades 8 and 12.
You weren’t so much fun during your last year of high school especially… But you proved me wrong and handed me the diploma with a sly grin on your face. (You still think we don’t know about the bet you had with you best bud about who could graduate dead last in your class!)
But… this last year has been a joy. It took us a little (long) while to figure out why you wouldn’t go to the State University that had accepted you without reservation on the strength of your SAT scores alone… But you played to your strengths and signed up for community college so you could work. After all… How many 18 year olds get to be full fledged IT managers right out of high school?
We argued when you turned 18 and you moved out. Your mom wanted to kill me and we waited up lots of nights to see if it would be police or ambulance that showed up with the bad news… (Well… I wanted to sleep)… but if mama’s not happy … No one is happy. But no cops… No coroners and you’ve never showed up on the doorstep with a sob story. So… What’s a few gray hairs between pals, right?
You have grown up to be a terrific young man and it has been a pleasure watching you transform from cute-as-a-button baby to sweet toddler to adorable little boy to surly teen to surly slacker and now, to a mature and impressive guy. We have loved you SO FREAKING MUCH at every age and stage. You’re the best.
Happy Birthday, Bub!
We love you more than you will ever know.
Mom & Dad
January
1
2009
Click to enlarge…
January
1
2009
December
31
2008
- Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.
- Gain weight… at least 40 pounds. Didn’t your mom always say you were bit skinny.
- Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.
- Watch more TV. It’s very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed over the years.
- Draw up a list of people who were nasty to you in the past year… Then get back at them in the next year!
- Drink more… Wasn’t it Benjamin Franklin who said, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. So be happy.
- Eat more nice things like candy, Big Macs, popcorn and ice cream. Eat less crap like fresh fruit, vegetables and soy nuts.
- Work less. Take it easy. All work and no play can make you a dull boy or girl.
- Play more computer games. Scientists say they’re good for you and improve your visual skills. But you always knew that.
- Take up some worthwhile new habit, like smoking – it helps keep tobacco workers in jobs.
