10 New Year’s Resolutions You Can Keep…

  1. Read less books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.
  2. Gain weight… at least 40 pounds. Didn’t your mom always say you were bit skinny.
  3. Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.
  4. Watch more TV. It’s very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed over the years.
  5. Draw up a list of people who were nasty to you in the past year… Then get back at them in the next year!
  6. Drink more… Wasn’t it Benjamin Franklin who said, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. So be happy.
  7. Eat more nice things like candy, Big Macs, popcorn and ice cream. Eat less crap like fresh fruit, vegetables and soy nuts.
  8. Work less. Take it easy. All work and no play can make you a dull boy or girl.
  9. Play more computer games. Scientists say they’re good for you and improve your visual skills. But you always knew that.
  10. Take up some worthwhile new habit, like smoking – it helps keep tobacco workers in jobs.

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