1. I work for a rotting indecisive eunuch who smells like a festering sputum bag from hell.
2. Go drool on somebody else, you psychotic annoying jerk-off!
3. Like most politicians, you are a hypocritical screwy monkey who kisses the feet of the godforsaken and the vile jerk-offs.
4. He’s a four-eyed annoying monkey, who’s the child of a sewer dwelling worm and a wastrel dysfunctional buffoon.
5. Piss off, you crackpot, desperate, penguin groper.
1. It is ok for a Man to cry under the following circumstances:
* When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
* The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
* After wrecking your boss’ car.
* One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
* When she is using her teeth.
2. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
4. If you’ve known a Man for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend’s fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6. No Man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another Man. In fact, even remembering your friend’s birthday is strictly optional.
7. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8. When stumbling upon other men watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
9. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.
10. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another Man in the nuts.
11. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
12. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13. If a Man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
14. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
15. A Man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
16. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both – that’s just mean.
17. If you compliment a Man on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
18. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
19. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another Man while lifting weights:
* Yeah, Baby, Push it!
* C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
* Another set and we can hit the showers!
20. Never talk to a Man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
23. There is no reason for guys to watch Men’s Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
24. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
25. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT!
Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.
26. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
27. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
28. Before dating a buddy’s “ex”, you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
29. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
30. A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.
31. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
32. If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.
Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin”, then you may sit back and enjoy.
33. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him…too gay.
34. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
35. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.
36. Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “FUCK OFF!” You are absolved of your of responsibility.
37. Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.
Or is it a Sea-Cow?