Lieutenant Dan’s New Legs… Forrest Like Them.

Lt Dan

Jokes By Women… For Women.

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don’t work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two – if you slice them very thinly.

Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys an extra case of beer.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they don’t like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

What’s the best way to force a man to do sit?ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What’s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn’t want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do doctors slap babies’ bums right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do little boys whine?
Because they’re practicing to be men.

I Do Too…

when I do

Oh Horton!…

horton hires a

My Childhood Name Was Dammit-What-The-Hell?!?

get down no

I Was At Wal Mart Today… And It’s True…

Superior

Sneaking In Late…

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, “You were drunk again last night.”

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, “Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” she said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly….it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!”

The Essence Of A Good Hubby…

Good Husband

Pillow Boobs… Nice If You’ve Got ‘Em.

pillow boobs

She Lies!!

sperm count

God’s A Voyeur?!? Who Knew?

god hates porn

About As Bad As Stepping Full Weight On A Lego…

pencil stab

Inventive Last Meal…

Last Meal

Seriously Awkward…

Awkward

Necessity Is THE Mother Of Invention When It Comes To Car Fixes…

duct tape flat headlight fixcar window door latch

Sorry Folks! We Had A Major Problem That Caused Us To Change Our Look.

Head clamp  IT-headachethe the

Context… Rain Will Put Things In It.

970356_548642425178340_982122586_n

Hand Shadows… Remember How?

hand shadows

150 Euphemisms For “Fart”… Pick A New One or Two.

  1. Air biscuit
  2. Air tulip
  3. Anal audio
  4. Anal exhale
  5. Anal salute
  6. Anus applause
  7. Answering the call of the wild burrito
  8. Ass acoustics
  9. Ass flapper
  10. Back draft
  11. Back-end blowout
  12. Back blast
  13. Baking brownies
  14. Bark
  15. Barking spider
  16. Barn burner
  17. Beef
  18. Beep your horn
  19. Belching clown
  20. Benchwarmer
  21. Blast
  22. Blat
  23. Blurp
  24. Blurt
  25. Bomber
  26. Boom-boom
  27. Booty bomb
  28. Booty cough
  29. Bottom blast
  30. Bottom burp
  31. Booty belch
  32. Break wind
  33. Brown cloud
  34. Brown haze
  35. Brown thunder
  36. Bubbler
  37. Bull snort
  38. Bumsen burner
  39. Bung blast
  40. Burner
  41. Burp out the wrong end
  42. Bust ass
  43. Butt bazooka
  44. Butt bongos
  45. Butt cheek screech
  46. Butt dumpling
  47. Butt sneeze
  48. Butt trumpet
  49. Butt tuba
  50. Butt yodeling
  51. Cheek squeak
  52. Cheeser
  53. Colon bowlin’
  54. Cornhole clap
  55. Cornhole tremor
  56. Crack concert
  57. Crack splitters
  58. Crap call
  59. Cut one
  60. Cut the cheese
  61. Drifter
  62. Droppin’ stink bombs
  63. Duck call
  64. Exercise the meat nozzle
  65. Exhume the dinner corpse
  66. Fanny beep
  67. Fanny frog
  68. Fecal fume
  69. Fire in the hole
  70. Fizzler
  71. Flatus
  72. Floater
  73. Fluffy
  74. Free speech
  75. Frump
  76. Gas
  77. Get out and walk Donald
  78. Great brown cloud
  79. Grundle rumble
  80. Grunt
  81. Gurgler
  82. Heinie hiccup
  83. Hisser
  84. Honker
  85. Horton hears a poo
  86. Hot wind
  87. Hottie
  88. Human hydrogen Bomb
  89. Insane in the methane
  90. Lay an egg
  91. Let Polly out of jail
  92. Mouse on a motorcycle
  93. Nasty cough
  94. O-ring oboe
  95. One-man salute
  96. Orchestra practice
  97. Panty burp
  98. Peter
  99. Pewie
  100. Pi p
  101. Poof
  102. Poop gopher
  103. Pootsa
  104. Pop tart
  105. Power puff
  106. Puffer
  107. Putt-putt
  108. Quack
  109. Quaker
  110. Raspberry
  111. Rattler
  112. Rectal turbulence
  113. Ripass
  114. Ripper
  115. R oar from the rear
  116. Rump ripper
  117. Rump roar
  118. Silly cyanide
  119. Slider
  120. Sphincter siren
  121. Sphincter whistle
  122. Spitter
  123. Split the seam
  124. Squeaker
  125. Stale wind
  126. Steam-press your Calvins
  127. Steamer
  128. Step on a duck
  129. Step on a frog
  130. Stink it up
  131. Stinker
  132. Stinky
  133. Taint tickle
  134. Tear ass
  135. Testing in the Levi wind tunnel
  136. Thunder from down under
  137. Thurp
  138. Toot your own horn
  139. Tootsie
  140. Trouser cough
  141. Trouser trumpet
  142. Trunk bunk
  143. Turd tremors
  144. Turtle burp
  145. Tushy tickler
  146. Under thunder
  147. Wallop
  148. Whiff
  149. Whoopee
  150. Whopper

Impostor…

impostor

Anagrams… We Like ‘Em!

anagrams

iOS Or Android? … Coke Or Heroin? You’re Still a Junkie.

Via: http://pablostanley.com/double standard

 

 

 

Are You A Troll? … Do You Respond To Trolls? … Here’s Why We Have Trolls.

Understanding The Internet Troll

Created by AcademicEarth.org

Modern Chastity Belt…

chastity

No Soliciting… Unless…

no soliciting unless