Jokes By Women… For Women.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don’t work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two – if you slice them very thinly.
Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
Because they are pigs.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
He buys an extra case of beer.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
The man.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don’t like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What’s the best way to force a man to do sit?ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What’s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot has been spotted several times.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn’t want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies’ bums right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they’re practicing to be men.
Sneaking In Late…
A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, “You were drunk again last night.”
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, “Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?”
“Well,” she said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly….it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!”
150 Euphemisms For “Fart”… Pick A New One or Two.
- Air biscuit
- Air tulip
- Anal audio
- Anal exhale
- Anal salute
- Anus applause
- Answering the call of the wild burrito
- Ass acoustics
- Ass flapper
- Back draft
- Back-end blowout
- Back blast
- Baking brownies
- Bark
- Barking spider
- Barn burner
- Beef
- Beep your horn
- Belching clown
- Benchwarmer
- Blast
- Blat
- Blurp
- Blurt
- Bomber
- Boom-boom
- Booty bomb
- Booty cough
- Bottom blast
- Bottom burp
- Booty belch
- Break wind
- Brown cloud
- Brown haze
- Brown thunder
- Bubbler
- Bull snort
- Bumsen burner
- Bung blast
- Burner
- Burp out the wrong end
- Bust ass
- Butt bazooka
- Butt bongos
- Butt cheek screech
- Butt dumpling
- Butt sneeze
- Butt trumpet
- Butt tuba
- Butt yodeling
- Cheek squeak
- Cheeser
- Colon bowlin’
- Cornhole clap
- Cornhole tremor
- Crack concert
- Crack splitters
- Crap call
- Cut one
- Cut the cheese
- Drifter
- Droppin’ stink bombs
- Duck call
- Exercise the meat nozzle
- Exhume the dinner corpse
- Fanny beep
- Fanny frog
- Fecal fume
- Fire in the hole
- Fizzler
- Flatus
- Floater
- Fluffy
- Free speech
- Frump
- Gas
- Get out and walk Donald
- Great brown cloud
- Grundle rumble
- Grunt
- Gurgler
- Heinie hiccup
- Hisser
- Honker
- Horton hears a poo
- Hot wind
- Hottie
- Human hydrogen Bomb
- Insane in the methane
- Lay an egg
- Let Polly out of jail
- Mouse on a motorcycle
- Nasty cough
- O-ring oboe
- One-man salute
- Orchestra practice
- Panty burp
- Peter
- Pewie
- Pi p
- Poof
- Poop gopher
- Pootsa
- Pop tart
- Power puff
- Puffer
- Putt-putt
- Quack
- Quaker
- Raspberry
- Rattler
- Rectal turbulence
- Ripass
- Ripper
- R oar from the rear
- Rump ripper
- Rump roar
- Silly cyanide
- Slider
- Sphincter siren
- Sphincter whistle
- Spitter
- Split the seam
- Squeaker
- Stale wind
- Steam-press your Calvins
- Steamer
- Step on a duck
- Step on a frog
- Stink it up
- Stinker
- Stinky
- Taint tickle
- Tear ass
- Testing in the Levi wind tunnel
- Thunder from down under
- Thurp
- Toot your own horn
- Tootsie
- Trouser cough
- Trouser trumpet
- Trunk bunk
- Turd tremors
- Turtle burp
- Tushy tickler
- Under thunder
- Wallop
- Whiff
- Whoopee
- Whopper