1. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
2. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
3. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
4. What’s the definition of a will?.. It’s a dead giveaway.
5. Every calendar’s days are numbered.
6. When the electricity went off during a storm at school… the students were de-lighted.
7. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
8. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
9. It’s better to love a short girl than not a tall.
10. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
11. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
12. The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.
13. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
14. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
15. Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.
16. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
17. When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.
18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
19. It was an emotional wedding… Even the cake was in tiers.
20. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
21. Local Area Network in Australia = the LAN down under.
22. An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.
Staff at Rayong Hospital had a busy night on April 27, when two men with severed penises were brought in for emergency treatment.
The first patient, a 31-year-old from Pluak Daeng District, arrived at around 1am. He was bleeding profusely from a wound near what had not long before been the base of his penis.
Surgeons were able to stop the bleeding and stabilize the man’s condition, but could do nothing about the missing member.
An hour later, at around 2am, a 35-year-old man was transferred to Rayong Hospital from Queen Savang Vadhana Memorial Hospital in Sri Racha, Chonburi Province. The man’s penis had also been severed with a sharp object.
A Khao Sod reporter investigating the cases found the first man hiding under his bed covers in the hospital ward. Despite appearing exhausted and constantly trying to hide his face under the covers, the man agreed to tell the reporter what had happened.
The patient said that he worked at a Kawasaki motorbike factory in Pluak Daeng District, was married and had a six-year-old son. He often argued with his 32-year-old wife, who lived in constant worry that he would leave her for another woman.
On the night of April 26, he had been drinking at a friend’s house. When he got home, his wife accused him of being out with a kik (mistress or casual sex partner). An argument ensued and when the fighting eventually died down, the man fell fast asleep, owing to all the alcohol he had drunk.
As he was sleeping, he felt a sudden, searing pain in his groin. He looked down to see what must be every married man’s worst nightmare: blood pouring from his genitalia and his wife leaving the room clutching a bloody knife.
The man said that he tried to pull himself together and look for the severed part of his penis, but could not find it. He then ran out into the street to find someone to take him to hospital, he told the reporter.
The other victim understandably refused to speak to the press, so it is not clear what led to his member being detached.
A nurse involved in treating the pair said that the first man had arrived about an hour before the second. Both men had their penises cut off at the base, leaving only the testicles, the nurse revealed.
Doctors stitched the cuts closed and inserted catheters. Both men were in stable condition physically, but were in very poor mental states and seemed unable to come to terms with their losses, the nurse said.
Duty Officer Adison Phanthusak from Pluak Daneg Police said the first victim’s relatives had reported the crime and police are now hunting for his wife, who fled with the couple’s son.
Thai Women Are Known For This Particular “Treatment” For Cheating Spouses… I guess I’m lucky… After 20+ years… She hasn’t clipped me … Yet.
Angola has more landmine victims than most other countries — millions of mines were planted across the country during a bloody 27-year civil war that ended in 2002. Precise figures of landmine casualties are not known, but hundreds have been killed, and it’s estimated as many as 80,000 have been injured. Despite an extensive demining program since the end of the war, Angola remains one of the most mined countries in Africa, and an estimated 300-400 people have been injured by mines every year since the war ended.
Before her death, Princess Diana brought the devastation caused by landmines to the world’s attention. Miss Landmine is the brainchild of a theatre director who wanted to give these women the chance to celebrate their inner and outer beauty.
More than two thirds of women admitted that a gossip with friends is the only time they are properly listening to what is being said.
The same percentage think they hear most intently when they are trying to eavesdrop on an argument taking place nearby.
Only half of men said they only hear properly when gossiping, while four in 10 admitted to listening closely to other people’s conversations.
The poll of 2,000 people also found that more than one in five men reckon they always listen carefully to every word, and while less than one in five of women said the same.
Ladies are also most likely to switch off when listening to their work colleagues, with the average woman catching what they say just 64 per cent of the time.
Just two thirds of what their boss says gets picked up, while women admitted they only really hear 70 per cent of the conversations they have with their partner.
But when it comes to talking to their best friend, women give their full attention to more than three quarters of what is spoken.
Researchers also revealed that 84 per cent of Brits think they are a good listener, with 20 per cent saying they listen to every word.
And 58 per cent think speaking face-to-face is the best form of communication.
Two thirds of women admitted they had never had a hearing test – compared to 55 per cent of men.
And almost half of people admit they sometimes struggle to hear what other people are saying.
Wendy Davies, Audiologist at Siemens Hearing Instruments which carried out the research, said: “The first sign of hearing loss is constantly asking ‘pardon’ or turning up the TV really loud.
“If you think this is you, a visit to the GP is on the cards to rule out medical problems and refer you for a test.
“You don’t have to be old to lose your hearing – loud clubbing and high volume on your MP3 can damage ears, so it’s important to have regular tests.
“If is it hearing loss, don’t panic. Hearing aids are very different to the beige banana’s that granny used to wear. Today you can get funky models the size of a chilli bean.”
via The Telegraph
A Taiwanese man became a sitting target for a snake, which bit his penis as he sat on the toilet at his rural home, local media reported on Monday.
“As soon as he sat down, he suddenly felt a knife-like pain and reacted instinctively by standing up,” the China Times said. “When he looked down, he saw the big snake.”
The 51-year-old man, from Nantou County, was under medical care with minor injuries, a director at Puli Christian Hospital said.
“As soon as he has passed the risk of infection, he can go,” the director, who declined to be named, said. “A snake’s mouth isn’t always clean.”
Local television images showed the black and yellow reptile, reportedly a species of rat snake, being uncoiled and plucked slowly from the toilet bowl.
Snakes regularly enter rural homes in Taiwan and other sub-tropical regions of Asia.