June
7
2008
I’ve got 6 pairs of glasses here and I still can’t see the keyboard…. I go to sleep and O sweart I hear legions of brains cells lining uyp for testing.
My keyboards swaYs…. If I could just sleep for 8 hours… I might get a reset… This Sucks!
I feel drunk… But I’m not… I need to reset my PRAM…. Let’s see… cup right nutt… twist left nipple… wink right eye twice… Hold down belly button for 10 seconds… Fart… Then kick orange cat
Danm… I ca n never remember … Is it kick orange or white cat? I want beer! But I know that beer will kick the
bp up to triple digits alll around… What’s lethal? 225/180?… I should research that.
HEY!!! If I’ve Got Such High Blood Pressure?…. How Come My Willy Won’t Stay Up?
June
6
2008
I can’t use a mouse at all… Helll I can barely seee my screen…
I’ve got a real cool movie of the inside of my heart though… I’ll post it soon
Vive la painkillerts!!!
June
5
2008
I told O’Reilly Not To Let Her Drink The Bong Water In The First Place… Now She’s Gonna Think She’s Queen Of The Moon Bats Again!!
Just Toss The Damn Thing In The Closet… She’ll Just Sit There And Sing To It…
June
3
2008
I’m getting a heart catheterization… Wednesday.
They’ll strap me down like a death row inmate and pump me full of a slightly radioactive fluid… But woe is me! I don’t get the knock out drops before the lethal concoction flows.
On the other hand… I get to look the Dr. in the eye with an accusing glare every time I feel a twitch.
To what do I owe this great honor?… No body knows.
Last Friday my buddy Eugene drops by and we have a few shots of Mount Gay Mango Rum while I’m fiddling with his hard drive… Never let a 13 year old use your laptop when there are open cans of soda around.
So it gets late and Gene says he’ll stop back by on Saturday.. We have two more pops and he takes off and I hit the rack.
Saturday dawns bright and early and as soon as I open my eyes… I know I’ve had one too many… Head is pounding!
Alka-Seltzer Here I come!
Two hours later… Pound…Pound… Pound!… Did I take my pressure pill?!?
Yup.
Let’s check the ol’ BP any how… 199/134… Oops!
Calling Dr. Chris… “Mornin’ Doc! I’m about to blow a gasket!” says I.
“Don’t tell me… A few nightcaps…Right?” … “Just a few” sez I. “You’ve been taking your BP pills?”… “You Betcha!” (God’s Honest Truth)… “Anything else?”… “Chest Pain?”… “Nothing more than a bit of heartburn” sez I.
“OK” says the good Dr…. “Double up on your regular dose and keep checking and let me know how things look in around three hours”… “Can Do!”… “Thanks!”
Draggy morning… But I’ve got 3 laptops staring at me with their accusing, slow, blinky sleep eyes…. One for Okinawa… One for Atlanta and One for Eugene.
So I swap out the hard drive from the Atlanta machine into Eugene’s… Easy enough… Then I notice that the normally fuzzy vision is fuzzy-er… And the glasses are relatively clean… What’s more… Is that the familiar blood pressure pressure on the ears is giving everything a slight bass whoomp!!
Yes it is.
199/138… Going to die.
Call the Doc.
He tweaks and changes dosages… I fix computers… Finally… He snaps.
Get your butt to the ER!
#1 Son hauls me off to the ER… They slap an EKG on me and Lo and Behold!… Inverted T-Waves!
Well then Mr FourEyes… Welcome to the Cardiac Care Floor!… Have some morphine!… Have some Ativan!… Not enough Morphine?… Have More!…. We’ve got lots!!
And don’t forget to try the Percocet… Lovely vintage!… Oh Wait!…. What’s
Percocet without a Valium chaser?… Please forgive our manners.
I feel like I’m wearing a baseball cap… I’m not… But it needs adjusting anyway.
Did I Mention The 10mg Of Methodone They Keep Pushing For The Back Pain because I can’t lay on my side or stomach?
And Why Is It That Somebody keeps playing “Hotel California?”
June
3
2008
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(…so they’ll never know they went blind?)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time…
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere
else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Now this is justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England -
but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother
must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had
to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be
dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.”
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm….I won’t touch THAT one!)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30
times its own weight and always falls over on its right
side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of…? Wonder how much the the govt.
paid for this relevant bit of research??)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don’t have brains.
(I know some people like that, too)
June
1
2008
The Doctors sat they need to do lots and lots of “tests” to pin down the cause of my high blood pressure and chest pains… I think they’re milking the insurance company.
But they’re doing a fine job of keeping me doped up.
They say they’ll be sending me home tomorrow… That was Thursday… And on Saturday… And here we are on Sunday and Dr. Sabbath (no kidding!) says… We’re holding you over another day so’s we can do a heart catheterization.
So I’ve seen 4 heart docs and a bunch of other folks who have been keen to load me up on all sorts of medicines with ” interesting side effects”… These effects have ranged from the “High Holy Farts” to the “Raging Boner of Doom”… But the most interesting side effect so far has been the “Bathroom Ghost” … She likes the door closed. And she likes McDonalds Quarter Pounders with cheese.
#1 Son had snuck one in for me along with some Ho-Hos and Raspberry Zingers… I had ‘em stashed in my night stand because Nurse Maxx was doing her best Nurse Ratched with the rules and so on… She knew I had something stashed! So she stationed herself right out side my open door. She actually had me at one point when she walked in just as I was munching a nice chocolatey HoHo… I had to stuff it and give her the monosyllabic grunt for answers until I got it choked down… In the meantime… The Quarter Pounder got stashed in the drawer of the little rolling table… Now don’t ask me how the table got in the bathroom… But it did. And My burger got half eaten!… Then I got the hiccups… Just in time for Dr. Goldman to wander in …and toss my son out for a “Highly Personal” consultation.
So…. Mr FourEyes says he… “Your CT came up negative for blockages… Sorry we had to put your life in danger by injecting you full of the contrast dye that has actually killed you twice already… We need to do it again.”
What?!?! (hiccups cured)
Oh yeah… We need to do a heart catheterization… And we’ll need the contrast dye so the Dr. doesn’t blow out your artery… Of course by now… My achey breaky heart is doing it’s level best to escape the madness by shoving my Adams Apple over to make some room.
So to prepare me for my execution… I got to take 20 something nasty tasting steriod pills along with about 5 ounces of the foulest smelling mud brown concoction ever concieved by the mind of man or maniac… There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ve smelled this same smell coming off the ponds around hog farms in summer.
And while I’m daydreaming of drinking a pig poo slushie… He hits me with…”What kinds of street drugs do you do?”
Continue Reading >>
June
1
2008
June
1
2008
Scenario #1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark… Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario #2: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal… Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin… Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario #3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse… Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang… State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison… Billy’s Mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario #4: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations… Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario #5: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher… English banned from core curriculum… Pedro given diploma anyway… but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario #6: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 – Ants die.
2007 – ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home… computers confiscated. Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario #7: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary… Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison… Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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June
1
2008
Most of the students entering College this fall, members of the Class of 2011, were born in 1989. For them, Alvin Ailey, Andrei Sakharov, Huey Newton, Emperor Hirohito, Ted Bundy, Abbie Hoffman, and Don the Beachcomber have always been dead.
1. What Berlin wall?
2. Humvees, minus the artillery, have always been available to the public.
4. Rush Limbaugh and the “Dittoheads” have always been lambasting liberals.
5. They never “rolled down” a car window.
6. Michael Moore has always been angry and funny.
7. They may confuse the Keating Five with a rock group.
8. They have grown up with bottled water.
9. General Motors has always been working on an electric car.
10. Nelson Mandela has always been free and a force in South Africa.
11. Pete Rose has never played baseball.
12. Rap music has always been mainstream.
13. Religious leaders have always been telling politicians what to do, or else!
14. “Off the hook” has never had anything to do with a telephone.
15. Music has always been “unplugged.”
16. Russia has always had a multi-party political system.
17. Women have always been police chiefs in major cities.
18. They were born the year Harvard Law Review Editor Barack Obama announced he might run for office some day.
19. The NBA season has always gone on and on and on and on.
20. Classmates could include Michelle Wie, Jordin Sparks, and Bart Simpson.
21. Half of them may have been members of the Baby-sitters Club.
22. Eastern Airlines has never “earned their wings” in their lifetime.
23. No one has ever been able to sit down comfortably to a meal of “liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”
24. Wal-Mart has always been a larger retailer than Sears and has always employed more workers than GM.
25. Being “lame” has to do with being dumb or inarticulate, not disabled.
26. Wolf Blitzer has always been serving up the news on CNN.
27. Katie Couric has always had screen cred.
28. Al Gore has always been running for president or thinking about it.
29. They never found a prize in a Coca-Cola “MagiCan.”
30. They were too young to understand Judas Priest’s subliminal messages.
31. When all else fails, the Prozac defense has always been a possibility.
32. Multigrain chips have always provided healthful junk food.
33. They grew up in Wayne’s World.
34. U2 has always been more than a spy plane.
35. They were introduced to Jack Nicholson as “The Joker.”
36. Stadiums, rock tours and sporting events have always had corporate names.
37. American rock groups have always appeared in Moscow.
38. Commercial product placements have been the norm in films and on TV.
39. On Parents’ Day on campus, their folks could be mixing it up with Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz with daughter Ze, or Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford with son Cody.
40. Fox has always been a major network.
41. They drove their parents crazy with the Beavis and Butt-Head laugh.
42. The “Blue Man Group” has always been everywhere.
43. Women’s studies majors have always been offered on campus.
44. Being a latchkey kid has never been a big deal.
45. Thanks to MySpace and Facebook, autobiography can happen in real time.
46. They learned about JFK from Oliver Stone and Malcolm X from Spike Lee.
47. Most phone calls have never been private.
48. High definition television has always been available.
49. Microbreweries have always been ubiquitous.
50. Virtual reality has always been available when the real thing failed.
51. Smoking has never been allowed in public spaces in France.
52. China has always been more interested in making money than in reeducation.
53. Time has always worked with Warner.
54. Tiananmen Square is a 2008 Olympics venue, not the scene of a massacre.
55. The purchase of ivory has always been banned.
56. MTV has never featured music videos.
57. The space program has never really caught their attention except in disasters.
58. Jerry Springer has always been lowering the level of discourse on TV.
59. They get much more information from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than from the newspaper.
60. They’re always texting 1 n other.
61. They will encounter roughly equal numbers of female and male professors in the classroom.
62. They never saw Johnny Carson live on television.
63. They have no idea who Rusty Jones was or why he said “goodbye to rusty cars.”
64. Avatars have nothing to do with Hindu deities.
65. Chavez has nothing to do with iceberg lettuce and everything to do with oil.
66. Illinois has been trying to ban smoking since the year they were born.
67. The World Wide Web has been an online tool since they were born.
68. Chronic fatigue syndrome has always been debilitating and controversial.
69. Burma has always been Myanmar.
70. Dilbert has always been ridiculing cubicle culture.
71. Food packaging has always included nutritional labeling.
May
31
2008
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don’t have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don’t stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don’t know…..it’s never happened)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)
9. One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’
‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’
He yelled back, ‘ University of Oklahoma ..’
And they say blondes are dumb…
———————————————–
10. A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…’
———————————————————–
11. ‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ‘honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’
‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
———————————————–
12. Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
———————————————————–
13. Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN
——————————————————————————————————————————— 14. Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
—– ——————————————
15. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
———————————————————–
16. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e- mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manual.’
May
31
2008
Cat Likes Being Beat… Comes Back For More…
May
30
2008
Having some chest pains and the BP is 199/117… Doc says take my butt to the ER asap…
I don’t suspect my number is up yet… But I may not be able to get any posts up on time …
Sooo… If I don’t die… I’ll be back posting nonsense pretty quick.
See You Soon.
TheFourEyes
May
29
2008
A Chinese couple are distraught after their three year old daughter threw their savings out of the window of their 17th floor flat.
The little girl threw the equivalent of $1300 out of the window of their rented apartment in Shenzen while her parents were asleep.
“When I woke up, she wasn’t beside me, and my purse was on the bed, open, and with a thick wad of money missing,” said the mother, Mrs. Huang.
Mrs Huang says she immediately asked her daughter what had happened, but the girl said she didn’t know.
“I looked everywhere, then I noticed there were two notes on the windowsill, and another two on the window sill one floor down,” she added.
The owner of a restaurant on the first floor of the building told her that money had been raining down on to the street, and that passers-by had gone crazy trying to catch it.
Mrs Huang said she spent the whole day in tears as $800 of the money had belonged to other people.
“We’re now hoping for magic, and that the people with our money will bring it back,” she said.
The parents have now installed wire mesh on all of their windows, reports Southern Metropolis News.
May
29
2008
May
29
2008
May
29
2008
When the story of the disgraced New York’s ex governor Eliot Spitzer broke I wasn’t surprised at all. It’s not that I knew about his rendezvous with high priced hookers, but it’s due to my long experience of driving hookers to men with and without power. Let me break it down for you ladies, if you have been together with your man for over ten years or so there is a 99% chance that your hubby had cheated on you, the other 1% lied their asses off. You need to be equipped with a dick to understand this concept. So the relationship between married clean cut powerful men and hookers, high priced or otherwise is a no shocking matter.
It seems that this all comes down to…
THE URGE TO EJACULATE.
Read More HERE at Diary Of A Mad DC Cabbie
May
29
2008
May
29
2008
Fuk Luk Sau, commonly referred to as the Gods of Blessings, Prosperity and Longevity are one of the most popular gods/deities in Chinese history. There are countless legends of the Fuk Luk Sau aiding and bestowing kindness on worthy mortals throughout the lands. Technically, they were originally astrological stars (hence the original name of Fuk Luk Sau were the Three Star Gods) which showed the traditional culture of the Chinese people who long for: happiness, prosperity and longevity.
Fuk is the deity of wealth and prosperity. He is represented wearing a red robe and his place is on the right of Luk. Fuk would help you improving your income and being wealthy, as well as it would attract prosperity for all those who live in the house or space where it is placed.
The deity named Sau symbolizes longevity and is represented carrying nectar in a bottle. Luk is the deity which stands in the center and symbolizes power and authority. Together, Fuk, Luk and Sau are a very strong power which attracts wealth, health and prosperity all together.
There are some feng shui guidelines that tell what the best place for Fuk Luk Sau to be is. According to those guidelines, Fuk Luk Sau should be placed at the dinning room or the living room. Besides, it is important that they are placed on a high table, never on a low one. They are also ideal to be placed at a person’s back, giving protection and support. This is ideal, for example, for placing them in the car at the back window, since it would bring you security and protection while driving.
May
29
2008
May
29
2008
Our Friends Alf and Watcharee are on the move in Thailand and stopped off to pick up a snack of BBQ ribs and rat… Looks like a really nice feast!
See More At CorkScrew-Balloon
May
28
2008
A Motto To Live By…
A friend will help you move… Your best friend will help you move a body.
May
28
2008
