Los Cuatro Ojos

Got Some Heart Issues According To The Docs…

The Doctors sat they need to do lots and lots of “tests” to pin down the cause of my high blood pressure and chest pains… I think they’re milking the insurance company.

But they’re doing a fine job of keeping me doped up.

They say they’ll be sending me home tomorrow… That was Thursday… And on Saturday… And here we are on Sunday and Dr. Sabbath (no kidding!) says… We’re holding you over another day so’s we can do a heart catheterization.

So I’ve seen 4 heart docs and a bunch of other folks who have been keen to load me up on all sorts of medicines with ” interesting side effects”… These effects have ranged from the “High Holy Farts” to the “Raging Boner of Doom”… But the most interesting side effect so far has been the “Bathroom Ghost” … She likes the door closed. And she likes McDonalds Quarter Pounders with cheese.

#1 Son had snuck one in for me along with some Ho-Hos and Raspberry Zingers… I had ‘em stashed in my night stand because Nurse Maxx was doing her best Nurse Ratched with the rules and so on… She knew I had something stashed! So she stationed herself right out side my open door. She actually had me at one point when she walked in just as I was munching a nice chocolatey HoHo… I had to stuff it and give her the monosyllabic grunt for answers until I got it choked down… In the meantime… The Quarter Pounder got stashed in the drawer of the little rolling table… Now don’t ask me how the table got in the bathroom… But it did.  And My burger got half eaten!… Then I got the hiccups… Just in time for Dr. Goldman to wander in …and toss my son out for a “Highly Personal” consultation.

So…. Mr FourEyes says he… “Your CT came up negative for blockages… Sorry we had to put your life in danger by injecting you full of the contrast dye that has actually killed you twice already… We need to do it again.”

What?!?! (hiccups cured)

Oh yeah… We need to do a heart catheterization… And we’ll need the contrast dye so the Dr. doesn’t blow out your artery… Of course by now… My achey breaky heart is doing it’s level best to escape the madness by shoving my Adams Apple over to make some room.

So to prepare me for my execution… I got to take 20 something nasty tasting steriod pills along with about 5 ounces of the foulest smelling mud brown concoction ever concieved by the mind of man or maniac… There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ve smelled this same smell coming off the ponds around hog farms in summer.

And while I’m daydreaming of drinking a pig poo slushie… He hits me with…”What kinds of street drugs do you do?”You mean you haven’t tested the 6 quarts of blood you’ve drained me of for any illicit dope?!!?

“We want to do a urinalysis” he says. OK says I… “Gimme a cup.” No need says he… “you gave a sample in the ER”… No I didn’t sez I. ” Yeah… one of the techs poured one from the bottle down in the ER.” So you’re telling me that some tech picked up a random pee bottle and emptied it into a cup and wrote my name on it?… “Yup”

“NOT” says I… Talk about your lapse in chain of custody! And besides… Isn’t that sample around 3 days old now?… How’s about you give me a nice fresh cup and I’ll whip out ol’ william here and make a deposit?… I’ll even throw in a hair sample…

No Dice.

Anyway… when the tech came up…. We got to talking about it and he said he wasn’t about to risk his job processing a sample with such a poor chain of custody.

So as of 12 noon on Sunday… I’m in til Wednesday.