And Furthermore!

What Women Say, What Men Hear, and What Women Really Mean

Mankind has been plagued by many things throughout the history of the human race; famine, disease, poverty, and locusts, just to name a few. But never has mankind found a greater challenge than that from womankind. Men are generally incapable of understanding things that are seemingly second nature to women, things like love, compassion, and remembering to feed the children. But all hope is not lost- through my years I have learned to translate the things that women say into words that men can understand. This knowledge is invaluable, and I shall bestow it upon you now.

(READ ON) 

All women look like this when they get older. Fat, pissed off, and wearing an outfit comprised entirely of leather. Run. Run as fast as you can and don’t look back.

Being A Natural Born Pack Rat… I Thought I’d Give This A Look See.

The Freecycle Network™ is made up of 4132 groups with 3920104 members across the globe. It’s a grassroots and entirely nonprofit movement of people who are giving (and getting) stuff for free in their own towns. Membership is free, and everything posted must be FREE, legal and appropriate for all ages.

Oh Mama!… $400K Sweetheart Contract? What About The $50 Billion to Halliburton In Iraq?

The FBI is examining the ties between Housing Secretary Alphonso Jackson and a friend who was paid $392,000 by Jackson’s department as a construction manager in New Orleans, three federal law enforcement officials said Thursday.

Jackson’s friend got the job after the HUD secretary asked a staff member to pass along his name to the Housing Authority of New Orleans, a spokesman for Jackson said in a statement.

At the time, the housing authority was in desperate need of a construction manager because there was a severe shortage of reputable local contractors after Hurricane Katrina, the spokesman for Jackson said. (READ MORE)

Astronomy Picture of the Day

HERE …. You can see a new pic every day of some space phenomenon

I First Became Aware Of This Guy From ThaiVisa and I Personally Think He’s A Scammer… Real or Hoax?… You Decide.

Desolation Row

INTRODUCTION

First, let me say that I am not looking to get rich from this blog. I AM hoping to get $1,000 in donations so I can get a scooter right away. Why? Because living in an isolated area, I need transportation to work. I am looking for jobs, but it’s very difficult without wheels. I had a well-paying job, a nice apartment near the water, and a great four-wheel drive vehicle that was paid for. I threw all of this away to save my wife’s life. She had what appears to me as a nervous breakdown of sorts. I had to put everything into storage, sell my vehicle, and leave my apartment in the course of 24 hours. I got her to her home country, where I wasn’t allowed entry due to a past incident. I will be allowed in in a year and a half. Luckily, I had enough money to buy a ticket home. She left the airport, and I haven’t seen or spoken to her since. That was about two weeks ago. I have since heard from her brother that she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. She lived, got bruised up, is resting at a hospital, and will be ‘ok’. I do not know how she is physically or mentally. I haven’t spoken to her. This blog will detail the events leading up to this catastrophe and details of my broken life and broken heart. Again, any amount you can donate to help me get transportation so I can work would be greatly appreciated. I see people have donated millions to the MOVEON organization…I need only $1,000. The rest I will manage through hard work.

This Guy Is Going To Wind Up a Statistic I Bet!

Driver turns tables, beats speeding ticket

SEATTLE, Oct. 3 (UPI) — Washington state police say they won’t change a favorite tactic — parking without lights to catch speeders — even though it backfired on them in court.

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer said Tuesday that a motorist turned the tables on the State Patrol recently and beat a speeding ticket after alleging the cop who wrote it had violated the law himself.

Carl Hu contended in traffic court that the State Patrol violated the law when an officer parked on a highway median with his lights off to watch for speeders one night last winter.

Hu apparently convinced the judge that since civilians can’t drive at night with their lights off, police shouldn’t be able to do so either since they are also required to obey all traffic laws.

Although Hu was able to get the ticket dismissed, State Patrol officials told the P-I the judge’s ruling was made without comment and therefore was not a directive to change their operations.

Today’s Insults –

“A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.” – Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams

“If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.”  – Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono

“She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short.”   – unknown

“America is the only nation in history which has miraculously gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization” – Georges Clemenceau

Hee.. Hee.. Hee!!

Ladies talking in Heaven………..

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I’m Sylvia. How’d you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.

Biofuel Boom Driving Up Pasta Prices… They’ll Get Us One Way Or The Other!

 Durum prices up 300% since last year

FARGO — The price of durum, a wheat variety used in pasta, has skyrocketed to more than $12 per bushel at North Dakota elevators — a jump farmers say is overdue.

North Dakota produces about 60 percent of the country’s durum, with this year’s state crop estimated at around 44 million bushels. A year ago, durum prices were around $4.20 per bushel.

Agriculture marketing and commodity groups say the prices are rising due to poor crops in Europe and a wet spring that hurt North Dakota durum yields.

ALSO …

In the latest biofuels-related hike, a poor wheat harvest amid rising demand from fuel makers is expected to boost pasta prices 20%

Mamma mia! The price of a plate of pasta is expected to rise 20 percent this summer as a bad wheat harvest and increasing competition from biofuel manufacturers send the price of delicate, delicious durum wheat skyrocketing.

Italy’s famous macaroni makers are the latest to find themselves at the wrong end of competition from the booming biofuel industry, which converts corn, sugar, wheat and other crops to fuel and energy. As biofuels catch on, governments are increasing subsidies. Farmers are finding themselves in an unfamiliar position: a seller’s market. Courted by food manufacturers and energy firms alike, they’re raising prices and shifting production to crops that can be used to make ethanol for cars, heat homes or generate electricity. (READ MORE)

English Language Madness

Taken from the introduction to Crazy English: The Ultimate Joy Ride Through Our Language, by Richard Lederer.

English is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every 7 humans can speak it. More than half of the world’s books and 3 quarters of international mail is in English. Of all the languages,it has the largest vocabulary – perhaps as many as 2 MILLION words. Nonetheless, let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Copyright © Richard Lederer.

True Love

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day… While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna ‘s heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news.” The good news is you’re being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him… I am so sorry,… but he’s dead.”

Edna replied… “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.”

How soon can I go home?”

Family… You Gotta Love ‘Em!

Besides this little labor of love… I also run a family website that details not only current family info… But chronicles all the way back to 1772.

Included on the site are links to the family database on genealogy.com as well as .pdf files from Family Tree Maker showing relationships all the way back to the oldest known members… Yadda …Yadda.

Now… there are always emails coming in with corrections, deaths, births…The usual.

My cousin Linda (God Bless Her!) handles the master database… She inherited it from our cousin Ted who kept everything in box after box of scrolls made up of taped together 8.5″ x 11″ sheets… some of which are 20 feet long. She incorporates changes and occasionally emails or snail mails this massive file to re-upload. Needless to say… Changes don’t happen on a fast or furious pace.

But occasionally… some beloved relative (remember…I love ‘em all) will take offense that some name or date doesn’t match their recollection.. .And then… And Then…

Emails, phone calls, letters and threats! Now.. There’s nearly 1200 individuals and 230 last names and 10 generations in this database… To give you an idea on how well we all know one another… you should see how many people can trace their ancestry back to the same founders on both sides of the family… Lots of kissin cuzzins! Point being… Nobody knows everybody… So when it comes to the database… Do ya think there might be the occasional slip up?

One of my 3rd cousins once removed got offended that neither I nor Linda knew that she was adopted and that we hadn’t incorporated that info into the database.. And to add further insult to her injury… We had neglected to put in her and her siblings middle and married names into the family tree correctly and that she was going to one of the family matriarchs to complain that we (Linda & I) shouldn’t have say so as to who’s info gets added or corrected or whatever. The lady was seriously indignant.

Now… did I mention that the database and the website are created maintained and paid for out of our own pockets and are done during time carved out of lives that are complicated all by themselves? Did my dear cousin just once stop to think of the old addage… “You can pick your friends.. But you’re stuck with family?” We don’t care! You send me a note saying you’re related… eventually you end up on the family tree… No DNA test… No criminal background check… nothing…You got ebola… No worries! …Axe murderer?… Cool!..  Hey… you’re family!

But… Beware… We might misspell your middle name… That is if we put one in at all. And we’ll cruelly post it on the web for all to see!..  Imagine! There’s your pedigree going all the way back to 1770 something … showing that you are your own cousin as well as your moms cousin… and you are irked because your middle name was ommited.

Now …This latest issue comes from this 3 rd cousin once removed who writes like we have lunch twice a week and are godparents to each others kids… She is in the database correctly as far as her birth name and pedigree is concerned… And I did point out to her that she is related to herself a couple of different ways… But I wouldn’t know this lady if she ran me over…. In fact … According to the database… We are pretty close in age… Sooo… she may even have been one of the “victims” of my youth! (Youthful ardor knows no bounds!)

But no matter… Dear cuzzin… I have corrected your middle name… Took me two hours to get the databases synced… Not much I can do about you being your own cousin though… At least before you could claim some level of doubt when folks snicker and point.

Classic case of “be careful what you ask for”…

Does Anyone Besides Me Wonder Why OJ Is Such Big And Breathless News Again?

Call me a conspiracy nut if you want to… But I’ll believe until the last dog dies that we Americans get ourselves bamboozled and bullshi**ed into looking left when we should be looking right every time the powers that be have something they don’t want us getting riled up about.

As I’ve ranted about before… Smoke and Mirrors and our 30 second attention spans are used to our detriment and in my not so humble opinon will be the cause of the fall of the American Empire.

At least this time it’s not that wretched beast Ann Coulter… Did you notice that they didn’t let her out of her cage to rant about the Republican senator trying to link up for a little of what she accused John Edwards of being. And to my point… When she gets trotted out… I get distracted… Attack Iran!.. I Don’t Care!!!.. Ann Coulter’s talking! … Gas at $3.59 a gallon… I Don’t Care!!!… Let’s Hate Annie!.. I’m serious… This smoke and mirrors, let’s keep ‘em distracted business works like a charm!

Oil hit $80 a barrel for the first time this past week… What’d we get… OJ! What will we get? $4 gasoline for Thanksgiving. Did I mention the “tropical storm” that “suddenly turned into a hurricane and whacked the refinery coast of Texas last week also?… That was the start as far as I could see… It got worse from there.

Israel invaded Syrian airspace unprovoked and dropped “ordinance” and left… The Middle East shivered… We got OJ!

Please note as you click the links I’ve provided that the stories pointed out are largely in obscure publications… What was CNN, FOX, MSNBC, etc giving us?… OJ!.. all day all the time.

Even scarier… Our “Fearless Leader” and his minion George is seriously planning to follow up on some insane idea that Armageddon is preordained and that they must play a part in bringing it about by attacking Iran. Of course… Between OJ and Brittney… We’ll all be caught unawares and be too embarrassed to bring it up… Kind of like the emperor’s new clothes… Nobody wanted to look foolish first.

Are we so jaded that we really are like the Romans at the end of the empire? A few parallels…

1. They outsourced their brainpower, ability to produce goods and food to countries and people that were once their enemies or were subjugated… What have we done… See China and India.
2. The Romans inbred and promoted the degenerate offspring of the elite to positions of power leading to terrible, useless decisions and senseless wars that drained the treasury and the young men and the pride of the country… What have we got? Our own Caligula? Our own Nero?
3. The Romans lost the ability to control their borders and were ultimately overrun by people that didn’t owe allegiance to the Empire and wrecked the economy by working cheaply and accepting life on a lower tier… What is our parallel? Come to Any southern border state…. Who works in the kitchen of your local resaurant?… Who does your yard work?
4. Emperors like Nero resorted to “Bread and Circuses” to keep the people fat, dumb and happy… What do we have?… See American Idol and 99¢ Whoppers… Supersize Me!!… You’re Fired!!!

Even though I don’t expect to reach 100… I fully expect to live to see a massive, massive decline in the power and prestige of the good ‘ol U.S of A… A nation of idiots with nukes. An idiocracy that won’t even have the brainpower to wonder when the end really happened… But…

We’ll always have OJ.

Somehow, The Sound Of This Thing Intrigues Me…

The Sea Organ is is a natural musical instrument, seventy meters long with thirty-five organ pipes built under the concrete. The musical pipes are located so that the sea water and wind movements produce musical sounds that are heard by passers by so that it achieves a communication with nature and promotes a unity of architecture and environment. As sea forces and energies are unpredictable in terms of tides and winds, this organ offers never-ending concert of numerous musical variations in which the performer is nature itself.

READ MORE

Sounds Of The Sea Organ

Google Sponsors $30 Million Moon Contest

Google Inc. is bankrolling a $30 million out-of-this-world prize to the first private company that can safely land a robotic rover on the moon and beam back a gigabyte of images and video to Earth, the Internet search leader said Thursday…

If the competition produces a winner, it would prove a major boon to the emerging private spaceflight industry and mark the first time that a non-government entity has flown a lunar space probe.

READ MORE

Hang on Children!… To Your Wallet That Is!

Oil Closes Above $80 for First Time

Oil prices finished above $80 a barrel for the first time Thursday and gasoline prices rose as refiners reported production problems after Hurricane Humberto hit Texas.

Oil first traded over $80 a barrel on Wednesday after the Energy Department reported declines in crude and gasoline inventories and a drop in refinery activity, but ended the day below that psychologically important mark.

On Thursday, Humberto added to the supply concerns by cutting power to several refineries in the Port Arthur, Texas, area. Another tropical system gaining strength in the Atlantic also supported prices.

MORE

Photographic Proof That Nature Is More Powerful Than Nurture

“All Men Are Created Equal” ”

“The Pursuit Of Happiness”

“Certain Inalienable Rights”

Today’s Insults –

“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born” – Ronald Reagan

“I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.” – Groucho Marx

“He does the work of three men: Larry, Curly & Moe” – Anon.

“Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday.”- Anon

Here’s A Little Something For All You Conspiracy Nuts

Royal Raymond Rife (May 16, 1888 – August 5, 1971) became known for his claim of finding a 100% effective cure for terminal cancer and many other diseases by means of his “beam ray” device, which was supposed to work by means of causing pathogens to vibrate in resonance with an induced frequency. http://www.navi.net/~rsc/rifebook.htm Information pertaining to the construction of some of Rife’s original instruments is lacking. After his death his name became associated with an increasing number of devices used in alternative medicine research and practice.

MORE HERE

Today’s Insults

Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I’ll arrange it with the undertaker.

People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.

Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!

We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.

When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, “Gentlemen.” Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.

Is Anyone Here Your Kid?

Some Things From The Archives

What Does 200 Calories Look Like?

Chemicals Causing Puberty Early In Young Kids

Explanation Of How Our Government Works

The Mindset List

This is the yearly list of things as they were when the current class of college freshmen were born… Links to additional years are HERE…Thanks Alf!

Beloit College’s Mindset List®
for the Class of 2011
Most of the students entering College this fall, members of the Class of 2011, were born in 1989. For them, Alvin Ailey, Andrei Sakharov, Huey Newton, Emperor Hirohito, Ted Bundy, Abbie Hoffman, and Don the Beachcomber have always been dead.
1. What Berlin wall?
2 Humvees, minus the artillery, have always been available to the public.
3 Rush Limbaugh and the “Dittoheads” have always been lambasting liberals.
4 They never “rolled down” a car window.
5. Michael Moore has always been angry and funny.
6.They may confuse the Keating Five with a rock group.
7.They have grown up with bottled water.
9. General Motors has always been working on an electric car.
10. Nelson Mandela has always been free and a force in South Africa.
11. Pete Rose has never played baseball.
12. Rap music has always been mainstream.
13.Religious leaders have always been telling politicians what to do, or else!
14. “Off the hook” has never had anything to do with a telephone.
15. Music has always been “unplugged.”
16.Russia has always had a multi-party political system.
17. Women have always been police chiefs in major cities.
19. They were born the year Harvard Law Review Editor Barack Obama announced he might run for office some day.
20. The NBA season has always gone on and on and on and on.
21. Classmates could include Michelle Wie, Jordin Sparks, and Bart Simpson.
22. Half of them may have been members of the Baby-sitters Club.
23. Eastern Airlines has never “earned their wings” in their lifetime.
24. No one has ever been able to sit down comfortably to a meal of “liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”
25. Wal-Mart has always been a larger retailer than Sears and has always employed more workers than GM.
26. Being “lame” has to do with being dumb or inarticulate, not disabled.
27. Wolf Blitzer has always been serving up the news on CNN.
28.Katie Couric has always had screen cred.
29. Al Gore has always been running for president or thinking about it.
30. They never found a prize in a Coca-Cola “MagiCan.”
31. They were too young to understand Judas Priest’s subliminal messages.
32 When all else fails, the Prozac defense has always been a possibility.
33.Multigrain chips have always provided healthful junk food.
34. They grew up in Wayne’s World.
35. U2 has always been more than a spy plane.
36.They were introduced to Jack Nicholson as “The Joker.”
37. Stadiums, rock tours and sporting events have always had corporate names.
38 American rock groups have always appeared in Moscow.
39.Commercial product placements have been the norm in films and on TV.
40. On Parents’ Day on campus, their folks could be mixing it up with Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz with daughter Zoe, or Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford with son Cody.
41. Fox has always been a major network.
42 They drove their parents crazy with the Beavis and Butt-Head laugh.
43.The “Blue Man Group” has always been everywhere.
44. Women’s studies majors have always been offered on campus.
45. Being a latchkey kid has never been a big deal.
46. Thanks to MySpace and Facebook, autobiography can happen in real time.
47. They learned about JFK from Oliver Stone and Malcolm X from Spike Lee.
48. Most phone calls have never been private.
49. High definition television has always been available.
50. Microbreweries have always been ubiquitous.
51. Virtual reality has always been available when the real thing failed.
52. Smoking has never been allowed in public spaces in France.
53.China has always been more interested in making money than in reeducation.
54. Time has always worked with Warner.
55.Tiananmen Square is a 2008 Olympics venue, not the scene of a massacre.
56. The purchase of ivory has always been banned.
57. MTV has never featured music videos.
58. The space program has never really caught their attention except in disasters.
59.Jerry Springer has always been lowering the level of discourse on TV.
60. They get much more information from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than from the newspaper.
61. They’re always texting 1 n other.
62.They will encounter roughly equal numbers of female and male professors in the classroom.
63. They never saw Johnny Carson live on television.
64.They have no idea who Rusty Jones was or why he said “goodbye to rusty cars.”
65. Avatars have nothing to do with Hindu deities.
66. Chavez has nothing to do with iceberg lettuce and everything to do with oil.
67. Illinois has been trying to ban smoking since the year they were born.
68. The World Wide Web has been an online tool since they were born.
69.Chronic fatigue syndrome has always been debilitating and controversial.
70. Burma has always been Myanmar.
71. Dilbert has always been ridiculing cubicle culture.
72. Food packaging has always included nutritional labeling.

More Funny Stuff… Thanks Jean!

Friends don’t
let friends
take home ugly men
Women’s restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let’s all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand’s Pizza, Washington, DC

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LA

No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men’s Room
Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC

At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It’s hard to make a comeback
when you haven’t been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women’s restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .

If pro is opposite of con… then
what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men’s restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC

Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ

You’re too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom
Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills ,CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom,
Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills ,CA

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you’re going to have trouble with it
Women’s restroom
Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t
need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a
lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but
married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but
he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t
change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a
new argument.
_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking
me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re
next.” They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.

Still in Hospital… Learning to walk again… Have a few Jokes

Damn Texicans!

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. “One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban.
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out, “One Texan is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers.” *Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences… After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Texan voice calls out, “One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban”. The enraged Taliban Commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune… Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men, its a trap. *
*There’s two of them.”*