if I took your tiny brain and rolled it down the edge of a razor blade, it would be like a lone car going down a six lane highway – Anonymous
Your momma’s so fat she broke a branch off of the family tree. – Anon
You are a frightfully miserable sycophant and a hopeless, cold-hearted oblivious oaf of obtusive otiosity. -Unknown
Your momma’s so ugly she can look up a camels butt and scare the hump off of it.- Anonymous
There was confusion and distress amongst the family of a recently deceased man who claimed that his soul had been rejected by both Heaven and Hell as he didn’t quite match the criteria for either.
‘It’s really rather unfortunate’ admitted the man’s local priest. ‘I’ve really never heard of this happening before. According to members of my congregation who are in contact with the Almighty, Heaven has a 10 point scoring system which they use to determine whether a person should spend eternity chatting to Mother Teresa in paradise or roasting in boiling lava with Hitler, Pol Pot, and Princess Diana. If you score a 5.1 or higher it’s cups of tea with Gandhi and Steve Irwin, but score a 4.9 or less and you’ll be playing croquet with Stalin, Chairman Mao, and the inventor of UHT milk.’
It transpires that Mr Jameson scored exactly 5 out of 10 which meant that Jesus couldn’t take him, but neither could the Devil. ‘He would just have scraped into Heaven had he not looked down the top of the female paramedic shortly before he popped his clogs. Just goes to show, eh?’ Meanwhile a local estate agent and keen Satanist defended Hell’s decision: ‘We have standards too, you know. OK, he used to swear quite a bit and download illegal software, but he spoiled it all by recycling all his household waste and taking his elderly neighbour to the shops once a week. He really isn’t the kind of chap we want in our camp. We have our reputation to think of too, you know’.
The situation was complicated further by the Pope’s decision to abolish Purgatory from all Catholic theology which ironically has rather left Mr Jameson in limbo. His soul is having to wait in Goole for the time being.
In Surprise Move, God Snuffs Out Jerry Falwell
Tearful Sermon by Brother Harry Hardwick
Wednesday Night Service, Main Chapel, May 15, 2007
The Lord is testing us, friends. He does that periodically. Remember when He told His beloved servant, Abraham to violently murder his only son? Just as Abraham was about to drive the knife through his son’s body, God yelled, “Gotcha!” And remember when He tested Jonah’s claustrophobia by making him take up residence in a whale’s stomach for three days, without so much as a candle or a can of Lysol? Or when he tested all of humanity by drowning the planet? Well, that wasn’t really a test, but the point is that God does crazy, bizarre, inexplicable things to make sure we believe in Him based on faith and fear and not that dreaded “rational thought” thingy.
Well, the Lord has worked in one of His now-famous “mysterious ways” yet again. At 10:45 this morning, the Lord killed Jerry Falwell, the godliest of men — the man who did more than anyone to put religion back in government and replace the Constitution with the Book of Leviticus. Dr. Falwell’s death is inexplicable. Why, just hours earlier, my old friend had breakfast with Ron Godwin, executive vice-president of Liberty University, which you and I know as the Christian Harvard of the South. Jerry had his usual breakfast of a dozen scrambled eggs topped with American cheese, two slabs of bacon, a stack of pancakes with butter-infused maple syrup and a basket of buttermilk biscuits with sausage gravy. He didn’t even have a cup of coffee. Yet, a couple of imprecatory prayers later, he was gone.
The only possible explanation is that Heaven must be in turmoil, so God whisked Brother Jerry there now to get the angels in line. After all, God couldn’t have asked for a more loyal servant on Earth. Rev. Falwell hated all the right people, especially those who tried to blur gender distinctions. When Muslim terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center, killing thousands, Dr. Falwell explained on “The 700 Club” that God was behind this otherwise seeming act of cowardice, to punish America for embracing feminists and homosexuals. It seemed odd that God would use people who rejected His son to do His bidding, but we quickly dispelled this concern, as we learned in first grade Sunday School never to try to make sense of God’s killing sprees. Pastor Falwell said on multiple occasions that AIDS was God’s righteous punishment of a man who dared to love another man. He referred to the “National Organization for Women” as the “National Organization of Witches.” He correctly identified “Ellen DeGeneres” as “Ellen DeGenerate.” He had the guts to call all homosexuals “moral perverts.” Most significantly, he found homosexuality in even those people who aren’t real people. It was Jerry Falwell who exposed that purse-carrying, triangle-wearing, purple-bearing Tinky Winky as the nellie bottom that he is. Dr. Falwell let millions of his followers know that those fuzzy little Teletubbies are a product of the vast homosexual conspiracy to turn our country’s toddlers into sodomites before they’ve even put down their pacifiers.
Godly Jerry’s hatred of uppity minorities was equally intense. He supported racial segregation throughout the time of the Civil Rights movement, telling the world that Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. was a fraud. He supported apartheid in South Africa, to keep those Negroes toiling in the fields thousands of miles away so we never had to worry about them earning enough money to come over here and start calling themselves South African-Americans. He opposed the release of Nelson Mandela from prison because, after all, public figures should either be behind the pulpit or behind bars. He hated Jews — those who have rejected the Lord Jesus — so much that he forthrightly proclaimed the Antichrist would be a Jewish man. And then, coopting a plot theme from the “Omen” series, he said that man was probably living today.
The only time Jerry ever relented in his hatred of the unrighteous or his animosity towards the unwashed occurred when money for the Lord was involved. Jerry was able to selflessly put his ill will aside when the unsaved offered cash. When his “university” had become insolvent, Jerry graciously accepted millions of dollars from Rev. Sun Myung Moon (leader of the “Moonies”) despite having previously compared Moon to “the plague.” Under the guise of friendship, he wrestled the “Praise the Lord” ministry from those phonies, Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, and later told the world that Jim Bakker was a greedy sodomite.
I really hope the Lord thought this one through, because the man he snubbed out this time is much more than a True ChristianTM martyr — he was a great fundraiser.
Thanks To Alf Over at Corkscrew-Balloon