Apparently there’s lots of people that are pretty sure he votes in their district… I just want to know if he’s even registered to vote in the first place!… I’m pretty sure that he hasn’t voted in the last few elections… Maybe his absentee ballot got lost.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg_The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid! Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh, and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.
She’s so cold…Her period comes in cubes.- unknown
There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it. - unknown
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home. Groucho Marx
I’ve got to tend to business.
Be Back Tomorrow!
Poisonous bunch backed toad. – Shakespeare
He is open to incontinency. – Shakespeare
He looks like a poor, decayed, ingenious, foolish, rascally knave. – Shakespeare
His days are foul and his drink dangerous. – Shakespeare
if I took your tiny brain and rolled it down the edge of a razor blade, it would be like a lone car going down a six lane highway – Anonymous
Your momma’s so fat she broke a branch off of the family tree. – Anon
You are a frightfully miserable sycophant and a hopeless, cold-hearted oblivious oaf of obtusive otiosity. -Unknown
Your momma’s so ugly she can look up a camels butt and scare the hump off of it.- Anonymous
Jesus rejects man’s soul; Devil ‘not that interested’ either
There was confusion and distress amongst the family of a recently deceased man who claimed that his soul had been rejected by both Heaven and Hell as he didn’t quite match the criteria for either.
‘It’s really rather unfortunate’ admitted the man’s local priest. ‘I’ve really never heard of this happening before. According to members of my congregation who are in contact with the Almighty, Heaven has a 10 point scoring system which they use to determine whether a person should spend eternity chatting to Mother Teresa in paradise or roasting in boiling lava with Hitler, Pol Pot, and Princess Diana. If you score a 5.1 or higher it’s cups of tea with Gandhi and Steve Irwin, but score a 4.9 or less and you’ll be playing croquet with Stalin, Chairman Mao, and the inventor of UHT milk.’
It transpires that Mr Jameson scored exactly 5 out of 10 which meant that Jesus couldn’t take him, but neither could the Devil. ‘He would just have scraped into Heaven had he not looked down the top of the female paramedic shortly before he popped his clogs. Just goes to show, eh?’ Meanwhile a local estate agent and keen Satanist defended Hell’s decision: ‘We have standards too, you know. OK, he used to swear quite a bit and download illegal software, but he spoiled it all by recycling all his household waste and taking his elderly neighbour to the shops once a week. He really isn’t the kind of chap we want in our camp. We have our reputation to think of too, you know’.
The situation was complicated further by the Pope’s decision to abolish Purgatory from all Catholic theology which ironically has rather left Mr Jameson in limbo. His soul is having to wait in Goole for the time being.
Did He Not Do Enough to Please You, Lord?
In Surprise Move, God Snuffs Out Jerry Falwell
Tearful Sermon by Brother Harry Hardwick
Wednesday Night Service, Main Chapel, May 15, 2007
The Lord is testing us, friends. He does that periodically. Remember when He told His beloved servant, Abraham to violently murder his only son? Just as Abraham was about to drive the knife through his son’s body, God yelled, “Gotcha!” And remember when He tested Jonah’s claustrophobia by making him take up residence in a whale’s stomach for three days, without so much as a candle or a can of Lysol? Or when he tested all of humanity by drowning the planet? Well, that wasn’t really a test, but the point is that God does crazy, bizarre, inexplicable things to make sure we believe in Him based on faith and fear and not that dreaded “rational thought” thingy.
Well, the Lord has worked in one of His now-famous “mysterious ways” yet again. At 10:45 this morning, the Lord killed Jerry Falwell, the godliest of men — the man who did more than anyone to put religion back in government and replace the Constitution with the Book of Leviticus. Dr. Falwell’s death is inexplicable. Why, just hours earlier, my old friend had breakfast with Ron Godwin, executive vice-president of Liberty University, which you and I know as the Christian Harvard of the South. Jerry had his usual breakfast of a dozen scrambled eggs topped with American cheese, two slabs of bacon, a stack of pancakes with butter-infused maple syrup and a basket of buttermilk biscuits with sausage gravy. He didn’t even have a cup of coffee. Yet, a couple of imprecatory prayers later, he was gone.
The only possible explanation is that Heaven must be in turmoil, so God whisked Brother Jerry there now to get the angels in line. After all, God couldn’t have asked for a more loyal servant on Earth. Rev. Falwell hated all the right people, especially those who tried to blur gender distinctions. When Muslim terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center, killing thousands, Dr. Falwell explained on “The 700 Club” that God was behind this otherwise seeming act of cowardice, to punish America for embracing feminists and homosexuals. It seemed odd that God would use people who rejected His son to do His bidding, but we quickly dispelled this concern, as we learned in first grade Sunday School never to try to make sense of God’s killing sprees. Pastor Falwell said on multiple occasions that AIDS was God’s righteous punishment of a man who dared to love another man. He referred to the “National Organization for Women” as the “National Organization of Witches.” He correctly identified “Ellen DeGeneres” as “Ellen DeGenerate.” He had the guts to call all homosexuals “moral perverts.” Most significantly, he found homosexuality in even those people who aren’t real people. It was Jerry Falwell who exposed that purse-carrying, triangle-wearing, purple-bearing Tinky Winky as the nellie bottom that he is. Dr. Falwell let millions of his followers know that those fuzzy little Teletubbies are a product of the vast homosexual conspiracy to turn our country’s toddlers into sodomites before they’ve even put down their pacifiers.
Godly Jerry’s hatred of uppity minorities was equally intense. He supported racial segregation throughout the time of the Civil Rights movement, telling the world that Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. was a fraud. He supported apartheid in South Africa, to keep those Negroes toiling in the fields thousands of miles away so we never had to worry about them earning enough money to come over here and start calling themselves South African-Americans. He opposed the release of Nelson Mandela from prison because, after all, public figures should either be behind the pulpit or behind bars. He hated Jews — those who have rejected the Lord Jesus — so much that he forthrightly proclaimed the Antichrist would be a Jewish man. And then, coopting a plot theme from the “Omen” series, he said that man was probably living today.
The only time Jerry ever relented in his hatred of the unrighteous or his animosity towards the unwashed occurred when money for the Lord was involved. Jerry was able to selflessly put his ill will aside when the unsaved offered cash. When his “university” had become insolvent, Jerry graciously accepted millions of dollars from Rev. Sun Myung Moon (leader of the “Moonies”) despite having previously compared Moon to “the plague.” Under the guise of friendship, he wrestled the “Praise the Lord” ministry from those phonies, Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, and later told the world that Jim Bakker was a greedy sodomite.
I really hope the Lord thought this one through, because the man he snubbed out this time is much more than a True ChristianTM martyr — he was a great fundraiser.
PPS: What will the pope have to do now after that $660 million LA settlement? Maybe a Centurion Card tie in?
Pope Appears in Credit Card Ad to Pay Off Class Action Molestation Suit Brought by 23% of New Jersey:
Thanks To Alf Over at Corkscrew-Balloon
Whatever is eating you – must be suffering horribly. – anon
You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you’ll find one. - anon
I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in. – unknown
A brain of feathers, and a heart of lead. – Alexander PopeÃ‚Â
Welcome to “The Wave” in Coyote Buttes, Vermillion Cliffs National Monument. The fantastic photo above was taken by Arny Raedts of ArnyZona, who wrote:
The Coyote Buttes are part of the Vermillion Cliffs National Monument and are half way between Kanab (UT) and Page (AZ). It is one of the least visited south Utah Parks and the reason is that is it is so precious that the Bureau of Land Management only gives out 10 permits a day! It took us three years to get a permit, but it was worth it!
Check out Arny’s excellent photo portfolio here: Link |
Custom PC cases made from wood, copper, lead, and stained glass.
Brave (or stupid?) Cat. Yes, I know cats eat birds, but come on… How do you suppose this turns out?
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.
“What? said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!
“Good, said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering Ã¢â‚¬Å“That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.Ã¢â‚¬Â
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that theyÃ¢â‚¬Âre just fine – theyÃ¢â‚¬Âre just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadnÃ¢â‚¬Ât eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says Ã¢â‚¬Å“No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.Ã¢â‚¬Â
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks Ã¢â‚¬Å“May I ask what is it you are waiting for?Ã¢â‚¬Â
The old woman answersÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ Ã¢â‚¬Å“THE TEETH.Ã¢â‚¬Â