1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty.” Drop the pill in its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same proceedure as in 1, but hold cat’s front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in – quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you are doing. That’s just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, “Who’s the the boss here anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take pill & ….Oooops!
9. This isn’t working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towl. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat’s front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man – or woman!
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat’s mouth & poke gently. Voila! It’s done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat’s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins & lie down.
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” – Popular Mechanics, 1949
“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” -Bill Gates, Microsoft, 1981
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” – Ken Olson, Founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.” - Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.”- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
In prison …You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
At Work …You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
In prison …You get three meals a day.
At Work …You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison …You get time off for good behaviour.
At Work …You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
In prison …A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At Work …You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison …You can watch TV and play games.
At Work …You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison …You get your own toilet.
At Work …You have to share.
In prison …They allow your family and friends to visit.
At Work …You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison …All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At Work …You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison …You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At Work …You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
In prison …There are wardens who are often sadistic.
At Work …They are called supervisors.
WHO DOES WHAT:
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says……….”HEBREWS”
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”
The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. “So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, ” but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
WIFE VS. HUSBAND:
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied , “in-laws