A woman, renewing her driver’s license at the County Clerk ‘s office
was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.
She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
‘What I mean is ,’ explained the recorder,
‘do you have a job or are you just a……?’
‘Of course I have a job,’ snapped the woman.
‘I’m a Mom.’
‘We don’t list ‘Mom’ as an occupation, ‘housewife’ covers it,’
said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the
same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised,
efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like,
‘Official Interrogator’ or ‘Town Registrar.’
‘What is your occupation?’ she probed.
What made me say it?
I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
‘I’m a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations.’
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and
looked up as though she had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,
in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
‘Might I ask,’ said the clerk with new interest,
‘just what you do in your field?’
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
‘I have a continuing program of research,
[what mother doesn’t)
in the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out).
I’m working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)
and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are
more of a satisfaction rather than just money.’
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk’s voice
as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered
me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants — ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than
‘just another Mom.’ Motherhood!
What a glorious career!
Especially when there’s a title on the door.
Does this make grandmothers
‘Senior Research associates in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations’
and great grandmothers
‘Executive Senior Research Associates’?
I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts
‘Associate Research Assistants’.
We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise , the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who
hate pooping at work , following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
When farting , you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom , leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee , do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
urinal , pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
When forcing a poop , several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen , do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall , to the sink , to the door after you have just
stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts , it is best to pretend that the
smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with
the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts
of Out Of The Closet Poopers , and identify SAFE HAVENS.
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries
to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON , or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire , leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on , create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror
or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while
on the crapper , as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
It’s Funny Friday… This Story Ought To Start Things Off On The Right Foot…
“I never used cocaine until after I met Whitney. Before then, I had experimented with other drugs, but marijuana was my drug of choice,” Brown writes in “Bobby Brown: The Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing But,” out next month. “At one point in my life, I used drugs uncontrollably. I was using everything I could get my hands on, from cocaine to heroin, weed and cooked cocaine.” – Booby Brown
Read More HERE