A Gentleman’s Duel… Hilarious!


The Difference Between Men And Women…

A Woman’s Perfect Day

- Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 – Weigh-in… 5 lbs lighter than yesterday

8:45 – 9:00 – Breakfast in bed…freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents… expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner

– Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 – Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer

10:30 – Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave

12:00 – Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café

– Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 22lbs

1:00 – Shopping with friends: unlimited credit

3:00 – Nap

4:00 – Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer

4:15 – Massage from strong but gentle hunk-says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body

5:30 – Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe

7:30 – Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers

10:00 – Hot shower- alone

10:50 – Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen

11:00 – Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 – Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

A Man’s Perfect Day

6:00 – Alarm

6:15 – Blow job

6:30 – Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section

7:00 – Breakfast-steak and eggs, coffee and toast-all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot

7:30 – Limo arrives

  – Several beers en route to the airport

9:15 – Flight in personal Lear jet

9:30 -  Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club… (blow job en-route)

9:45 – Play front nine (2 under par)

11:45 – Lunch-steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Peringon

12:15 - Blow job

12:30 – Play back nine (4 under)

2:15 - Limo back to airport (several bourbons)

2:30 – Fly to Bahamas

3:30 – Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot

4:30 – Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)-on light tackle

5:00 – Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle Macpherson

– Shit, shower and shave

7:00 – Watch news… Michael Jackson assassinated

7:30 – Dinner-lobster appetizers, Dom Peringon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

9:30 -  Sex with three women… all with lesbian tendencies

– Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer

– Night-cap blow job

11:45 – In bed alone

-  A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

11:51 – Laugh yourself to sleep

How To Make Instant Hamburger Patties…

 Press your ground meat into a ziplock bag… Then use a chopstick to divide… Kind of nice if you add spices first.

individual portions

Fold… Then freeze… Break off individual patties as needed…

individual portions1

Jokes… We Got ‘Em!

The Proper Way To Come Home Drunk 

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do.  Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.  I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, and take my shoes off before I go into the house.  I sneak up the stairs, and get undressed in the bathroom.  Then I stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.  I tiptoe into the bedroom and ease into bed.  My wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His friend looks at him and says, ” Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach.  I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, WHO’S HORNY?????!!!  And she acts like she’s sound asleep!!

It works every time!!!

Truth Before Marriage 

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was ok because he loved her soooo much. However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said….
“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant-sized penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.  Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants she began to scream and run out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”
“Yes, it is….. 8 pounds, 7ounces, 19 inches long!!

The Fun And Easy Way To Learn HTML…

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He Really, Really Likes That Girl…


If You’re Going To Tow An Elephant Down The Highway… Be Careful…

elephant transfer