10 Rules For Dating My Daughter…

This Man Is My Hero!.. Somebody Get Me His Address… I Want To Send Him Money!


Copyright 1998 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.

“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.

- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.

- Places where there is darkness.

- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.

- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.

- Hockey games are okay.

- Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

2 Comments to “10 Rules For Dating My Daughter…”

  1. By DoctorFact, May 4, 2008 @ 5:55 pm

    It would be kind, I suppose, to imagine that you were speaking ironically with rants like this.

    You need to face the facts, as in “The Facts of Life”. Your daughter is awash in a sea of hormones, as are her dates.

    Copulation is a biological imperative, as it leads to procreation. This is nature’s way.

    The more you fight it, or try some power trip on your daughter, the more likely she is to go off and get knocked up, just to spite you. When you realize the truth of this, you can start to speak to your daughter as a young adult, that is, respectfully, and perhaps share some of your acquired wisdom with her, and break the cycle of the forbidden.

    Believe me, I have been in your situation. You can go ahead with your present approach, and risk permanent, or at least long term, alienation from one of the people you most love. Or, you can act like a grown-up, instead of thinking that in some way you own your daughter and her maidenhead.

    It’s not like you seriously believe she is a candidate for lifelong celibacy–or do you?

    You may think my response is entirely too serious minded. So be it. If you can pause for five minutes and disengage from thinking that you own her virginity, you and she can establish a life long positive relationship.

    Good luck to you, and her.


  2. By TheFourEyes, May 4, 2008 @ 11:22 pm

    Hey Doc!
    Thanks for the comment… I didn’t dream this up…But I can assure you that there are more than one of his points that I take strongly to heart… Not that I don’t agree wih you… If you can’t talk to your kid like an adult… you’re asking for trouble… That said… I was a horrible disgusting hound of a teenage boy that quite successfully talked many a man’s teenage daughter out of her panties… And not because I loved them. I’m walking a narrow path between teaching my daughter how to be a loving feeling person…Yet to be aware that teenage boys are by and large scheming little buggers that just want to jump her bones… Keeping my own shenanigans in mind… i know that she’s going to need some help… To wit… I’ve had my shotgun since she was six months old… I like to clean it… I’ve got lots of shovels …Unfortunately… I don’t have the five acres out back… But I do have 600 pounds of hound in the back yard… And a wood chipper… Boys that come around get the old growl right up front… Then they get invited in… That’s when the fun starts…My daughter thinks it’s hilarious… For now.. she’s content to let old dad be a protective old bear… Later… We’ll see… But I’m willing to bet she won’t feel the need to hide her feelings from me.

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.