Jokes… We Got ‘Em!

The Proper Way To Come Home Drunk 

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do.  Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.  I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, and take my shoes off before I go into the house.  I sneak up the stairs, and get undressed in the bathroom.  Then I stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.  I tiptoe into the bedroom and ease into bed.  My wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His friend looks at him and says, ” Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach.  I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, WHO’S HORNY?????!!!  And she acts like she’s sound asleep!!

It works every time!!!

Truth Before Marriage 

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was ok because he loved her soooo much. However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said….
“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant-sized penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.  Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants she began to scream and run out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!”
“Yes, it is….. 8 pounds, 7ounces, 19 inches long!!

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