Today’s Insults

You wouldn’t know Up from Down if you had three guesses. – Al in San Francisco

Trying to get something of value out of your posts is like trying to squeeze orange juice out of an apple. – MacAddict

You pole-smoking, brother-humping, panty-licking, pus-gobbling, zit-nibbling, wank-brained scuzzbucket! – Mike from GA

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?- Charles Pierce

And Then There’s Auntie – Part Two

So now we’ve made it into the Wal Mart and I’ve got a list… Well… My daughter’s got the list… well… She had the list… My head hurts… Turns out she dropped the list at the store entrance while kicking her brother… She runs off to retrieve it… In the meantime… I’m wondering… ” If she knows exactly where she dropped it… why did she not pick it up then?” My head hurts more.

Now Auntie is very protective of the little princess… VERY protective! “Why are you letting her wander around the Wal Mart all by herself?!” she wails, in a voice that has the nearest clerk eyeing us suspiciously. “She’s gonna get kidnapped!” Doesn’t matter that I can see the girl from where I’m standing… “Hurry up kid!!” I’m thinking… “She’s gonna blow”… I can tell by the way Auntie’s hands are fluttering around the fanny pack that there’s gonna be a meltdown real soon if’n the kid is not within touching range in about 30 seconds… She makes it… Auntie checks her for missing limbs and we move on.

This is a Super Wal Mart… Milk waaaay to the left… in the back… Everything else we need… waaaay to the right. Did I mentions Auntie’s bad back? We’re still at the front of the store… We can still leave… We don’t.

Milk first! We head right down the center of the store… 30 feet in there’s cookies… Chips Ahoy! “Dad!.. Dad!… Why can’t we get cookies?” “Forget it” I growl… By the time we make the left turn, there are 4 packages of Chips Ahoy! in the cart and Auntie is assuring me that the cookies are hers… did I mention Auntie is diabetic?

On the way to the milk… The kids argue…wander… beg… plead… run each other over… bump into at least three people… and we lose Auntie… Auntie’s wandered off into a side aisle and is fingering a pair of red Crocs in a size 12 when we find her… Of course, she hasn’t answered the kid’s repeated screeches of ” AUNTIE!!”… “AUNTIE!!”… Not even when we are 10 feet away.

We reach the milk 30 minutes after we walked through the door… There’s a kids shirt, a dress and a 12 pack of Bounty paper towels in one of the carts by now… All courtesy of Auntie… Did I mention the 40 rolls of Bounty paper towels already at the house?

We now need dog food, cat food, cat litter, fish food, a collar and ID tag for the new cat (our 4th), deodorant, band aids and light bulbs.

Two and half hours later… I’m shepherding 3 carts, and my 3 charges towards the checkout lanes… All are grumpy… and hungry… And Auntie needs a smoke. Of course… This being Wal Mart… There is not one lane with less than 300 people in line… We pick the one closest to where #2 son runs over my toe with 100 pounds of dog food… Did I mention my ingrown toenail?

Now… We go through the ritual of the line… the kids dash back and forth grabbing and begging for all of the little geegaws that some devious mind at Wal Mart Central has decreed be placed around the registers. Auntie is in Tabloid Heaven… She’s got time to read maybe 3… And while it takes her mind off of cigarettes… I have to be informed of every pound that Oprah has gained and that the Antichrist lives in a trailer park in Kansas and that wrinkles can be cured by a preparation originally discovered by the ancient Egyptians that consists of crocodile dung and beaver fat… This is all gospel as far as Auntie is concerned… Just like Ed McMann’s promises that she’s gonna win $10 million any day now… Of course… Between articles… Auntie is busy approving various and sundry items that I’ve told the children they can’t have.

$287 later… They’re all begging to hit the McDonald’s by the exit… “To go only!” I moan. I’m beaten down into a mere shadow of the guy who looked out of the mirror at me this morning… I’m not sure I’m gonna make it out to the parking lot at this point… let alone home… Please God… Don’t let me die at the Wal Mart! God answers my prayer… Only because He’s got further tribulations for me to endure… We’ve still got to get this stuff home. There’s almost 300 pounds of pet supplies alone in them there carts!

We’re out the door and into traffic with the carts when #2 son yells “DAD!!”… He’s been snagged by the little old lady at the door looking for a receipt… She won’t let him out… Did I mention that I told her that I had 3 carts when she checked my receipt?… Never mind. I park Auntie and the Princess in the cart aisle and head in to rescue the boy… I look back and Auntie’s lighting up.

By the time the boy and I reach the other two… Auntie’s on her second smoke and the girl child has spilled a red slurpee down the front of the white shirt and tan pants she’s wearing… And since there’s no more slurpee… she’s busily digging through the bags for some other sugar laden item to consume… #2 son now feels deprived and an argument ensues regarding what’s fair and what’s not… I’m called in to mediate. Auntie over rules me… cookies are passed out… Another cig is lit… We’re still 50 yards from the van… I’m sure I can feel the left side of my face drooping… Is this what it feels like to have a stroke?

More later.

Part ONE

Part Three

And Then There’s Auntie

So I take the three kids to Wal Mart yesterday… #2 Son …who’s 12… The 9 year old daughter… And Auntie… She’s 80.

The minute we got into the van… They started arguing over who’s going to sit where. Now… Auntie’s got her fav seat and the kids will grab it just to get her started. Five full minutes of “MOVE!!” … “No, YOU MOVE!!” … “That’s MY seat!!” … “Tell her / him to MOVE!!!” … “STOP!!” … “MINE!!!” … “Cut it OUT!!” more than got on my nerves… I was ready to throw them all out. I didn’t

Any way… Got them settled in and got on the road… Then the touching started. Auntie yelled louder than either of the young’uns. As soon as one of the little ones would yell “STOP TOUCHING ME!!” Auntie yells “STOP TOUCHING HIM / HER!!!”… As we crossed the bridge over the interstate… Guess what I was thinking?

So… We make it to Wal Mart with no major injuries and I don’t wreck the van… (Now… In case you’re thinking that I was a passive bystander… I wasn’t… There were the usual threats and admonitions to “sit still”… “Be quiet”… “Don’t make me come back there!”… All the routine stuff… But how do you work in a threat of a time out to an 80 year old?… Respect for the elders and all being taken into the equation.) … Soooo… we’re now in the parking lot… And all three of them make a mad dash to grab a cart… Which promptly devolves into an argument of who’s gonna push the cart… All aimed at me.

The boy says he’s the best choice cause he’s the strongest… OK… We are here to buy a couple hundred pounds of dog food.

The girl puts on her best Daddy’s Little Girl face and pouts that she should push the cart until the dog food goes in cause she won’t be able to push the heavy thing after it’s loaded… Good argument sweetie… Daddy’s little princess is sooo smart in’t she?

Auntie counters with… They’re too wild!… they’ll run people over!… The boy’s mind wanders too easily and the girl’s not got enough experience!… Besides… Auntie needs something to lean on… Sigh.

“OK”… I say doing my best imitation of Solomon the Wise… “Here’s what we’re gonna do” … ” Since we’re getting four 50 pound bags… We’ll use two carts.” Auntie… You get one until its full then I’ll push it… Little Girl… You get to push the other until it’s full and then your brother will take over… But in the meantime he’ll help you steer through the crowd… Everybody good with that?… Let’s roll!

Ten feet from the van… # 2 son screeches… ” Ow… she ran over my foot!”… Auntie stops right in back of a backing out car and walks away from her cart to tend to the wounded boy. The driver of the car blows his horn and Auntie freezes and seems to have forgotten which direction to go… She is now turning around in a circle apparently trying to decide which is more important… The cart or the kid. The kid meanwhile has forgotten all about his foot and is yelling at Auntie to move the cart!

The daughter is now fully engaged in a contest to see who can yell the loudest… Then… I join in by calling out to Auntie… “Hey!… Move the cart!” BIG MISTAKE!!! Auntie now goes into overload mode… She has to reboot like a pre-Pentium windows 95 machine. If she had a screen it would be blue… She stops where she’s at and stares… Her hand goes towards the fanny pack… She’s reaching for a cigarette! … The horn is blowing! CRAP! CRAP!… CRAP! I think… maybe I said it out loud… I don’t know. I do remember thinking.. “We’re not even in the store yet… We can still go home.”… We don’t.

I jog over and grab the cart and mouth “Sorry” to the man in the car…. I give the kids one of my special reserve glares and imperiously point at the store entrance… They shut up and move. I take Auntie by the arm and gently guide her to the sidewalk while pulling the empty cart behind us. Years of experience tell me that Auntie is useless now until she sucks down a cancer stick… We’ll wait.

Of course, the kids are now in the front lobby… Blocking traffic and arguing… people are glaring at them. I tell Auntie to wait by the cart and I’ll be right back… She looks at me and blinks… and puffs… I take off.

I drag the young’uns out side and we wait for Auntie to re-boot… She’s shaken …So I should take her home… But do I? Of course not! From this moment on… Any consequences are on my head.

More Later.

Part TWO

Part Three