How I Ended Up In The Cardiac Ward… Says I…

I’m getting a heart catheterization… Wednesday.

They’ll strap me down like a death row inmate and pump me full of a slightly radioactive fluid… But woe is me!  I don’t get the knock out drops before the lethal concoction flows.

On the other hand… I get to look the Dr. in the eye with an accusing glare every time I feel a twitch.

To what do I owe this great honor?… No body knows.

Last Friday my buddy Eugene drops by and we have a few shots of Mount Gay Mango Rum while I’m fiddling with his hard drive… Never let a 13 year old use your laptop when there are open cans of soda around.

So it gets late and Gene says he’ll stop back by on Saturday.. We have two more pops and he takes off and I hit the rack.

Saturday dawns bright and early and as soon as I open my eyes… I know I’ve had one too many… Head is pounding!

Alka-Seltzer Here I come!

Two hours later… Pound…Pound… Pound!… Did I take my pressure pill?!?


Let’s check the ol’ BP any how… 199/134… Oops!

Calling Dr. Chris… “Mornin’ Doc!   I’m about to blow a gasket!”  says I.

“Don’t tell me… A few nightcaps…Right?” … “Just a few” sez I.  “You’ve been taking your BP pills?”… “You Betcha!”  (God’s Honest Truth)… “Anything else?”… “Chest Pain?”… “Nothing more than a bit of heartburn” sez I.

“OK” says the good Dr…. “Double up on your regular dose and keep checking and let me know how things look in around three hours”… “Can Do!”… “Thanks!”

Draggy morning… But I’ve got 3 laptops staring at me with their accusing, slow, blinky sleep eyes…. One for Okinawa… One for Atlanta and One for Eugene.

So I swap out the hard drive from the Atlanta machine into Eugene’s… Easy enough… Then I notice that the normally fuzzy vision is fuzzy-er… And the glasses are relatively clean… What’s more… Is that the familiar blood pressure pressure on the ears is giving everything a slight bass whoomp!!

Yes it is.

199/138… Going to die.

Call the Doc.

He tweaks and changes dosages… I fix computers… Finally… He snaps.

Get your butt to the ER!

#1 Son hauls me off to the ER… They slap an EKG on me and Lo and Behold!… Inverted T-Waves!

Well then Mr FourEyes… Welcome to the Cardiac Care Floor!… Have some morphine!… Have some Ativan!… Not enough Morphine?… Have More!…. We’ve got lots!!

And don’t forget to try the Percocet… Lovely vintage!… Oh Wait!…. What’s
Percocet without a Valium chaser?… Please forgive our manners.

I feel like I’m wearing a baseball cap… I’m not… But it needs adjusting anyway.

Did I Mention The 10mg Of Methodone They Keep Pushing For The Back Pain because I can’t lay on my side or stomach?

And Why Is It That Somebody keeps playing “Hotel California?”

Just in case you need more proof that I Am Trapped in a crazy world . . .

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.
Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(…so they’ll never know they went blind?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time…
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere
else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Now this is justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England -
but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother
must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had
to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be
dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.”

(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm….I won’t touch THAT one!)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30
times its own weight and always falls over on its right
side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of…? Wonder how much the the govt.
paid for this relevant bit of research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don’t have brains.
(I know some people like that, too)