The Doctors sat they need to do lots and lots of “tests” to pin down the cause of my high blood pressure and chest pains… I think they’re milking the insurance company.
But they’re doing a fine job of keeping me doped up.
They say they’ll be sending me home tomorrow… That was Thursday… And on Saturday… And here we are on Sunday and Dr. Sabbath (no kidding!) says… We’re holding you over another day so’s we can do a heart catheterization.
So I’ve seen 4 heart docs and a bunch of other folks who have been keen to load me up on all sorts of medicines with ” interesting side effects”… These effects have ranged from the “High Holy Farts” to the “Raging Boner of Doom”… But the most interesting side effect so far has been the “Bathroom Ghost” … She likes the door closed. And she likes McDonalds Quarter Pounders with cheese.
#1 Son had snuck one in for me along with some Ho-Hos and Raspberry Zingers… I had ‘em stashed in my night stand because Nurse Maxx was doing her best Nurse Ratched with the rules and so on… She knew I had something stashed! So she stationed herself right out side my open door. She actually had me at one point when she walked in just as I was munching a nice chocolatey HoHo… I had to stuff it and give her the monosyllabic grunt for answers until I got it choked down… In the meantime… The Quarter Pounder got stashed in the drawer of the little rolling table… Now don’t ask me how the table got in the bathroom… But it did. And My burger got half eaten!… Then I got the hiccups… Just in time for Dr. Goldman to wander in …and toss my son out for a “Highly Personal” consultation.
So…. Mr FourEyes says he… “Your CT came up negative for blockages… Sorry we had to put your life in danger by injecting you full of the contrast dye that has actually killed you twice already… We need to do it again.”
What?!?! (hiccups cured)
Oh yeah… We need to do a heart catheterization… And we’ll need the contrast dye so the Dr. doesn’t blow out your artery… Of course by now… My achey breaky heart is doing it’s level best to escape the madness by shoving my Adams Apple over to make some room.
So to prepare me for my execution… I got to take 20 something nasty tasting steriod pills along with about 5 ounces of the foulest smelling mud brown concoction ever concieved by the mind of man or maniac… There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ve smelled this same smell coming off the ponds around hog farms in summer.
And while I’m daydreaming of drinking a pig poo slushie… He hits me with…”What kinds of street drugs do you do?” Read more »
Scenario #1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark… Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario #2: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 – Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal… Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin… Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario #3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse… Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang… State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison… Billy’s Mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario #4: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations… Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario #5: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher… English banned from core curriculum… Pedro given diploma anyway… but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario #6: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 – Ants die.
2007 – ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home… computers confiscated. Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario #7: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary… Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison… Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Be Sure To Check Out The Rest Of Los Cuatro Ojos... If You Liked This… You’ll LOVE The Rest Of The Site… Vote Your Stumbleupon Opinion For The Other Entries!
Most of the students entering College this fall, members of the Class of 2011, were born in 1989. For them, Alvin Ailey, Andrei Sakharov, Huey Newton, Emperor Hirohito, Ted Bundy, Abbie Hoffman, and Don the Beachcomber have always been dead.
1. What Berlin wall?
2. Humvees, minus the artillery, have always been available to the public.
4. Rush Limbaugh and the “Dittoheads” have always been lambasting liberals.
5. They never “rolled down” a car window.
6. Michael Moore has always been angry and funny.
7. They may confuse the Keating Five with a rock group.
8. They have grown up with bottled water.
9. General Motors has always been working on an electric car.
10. Nelson Mandela has always been free and a force in South Africa.
11. Pete Rose has never played baseball.
12. Rap music has always been mainstream.
13. Religious leaders have always been telling politicians what to do, or else!
14. “Off the hook” has never had anything to do with a telephone.
15. Music has always been “unplugged.”
16. Russia has always had a multi-party political system.
17. Women have always been police chiefs in major cities.
18. They were born the year Harvard Law Review Editor Barack Obama announced he might run for office some day.
19. The NBA season has always gone on and on and on and on.
20. Classmates could include Michelle Wie, Jordin Sparks, and Bart Simpson.
21. Half of them may have been members of the Baby-sitters Club.
22. Eastern Airlines has never “earned their wings” in their lifetime.
23. No one has ever been able to sit down comfortably to a meal of “liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”
24. Wal-Mart has always been a larger retailer than Sears and has always employed more workers than GM.
25. Being “lame” has to do with being dumb or inarticulate, not disabled.
26. Wolf Blitzer has always been serving up the news on CNN.
27. Katie Couric has always had screen cred.
28. Al Gore has always been running for president or thinking about it.
29. They never found a prize in a Coca-Cola “MagiCan.”
30. They were too young to understand Judas Priest’s subliminal messages.
31. When all else fails, the Prozac defense has always been a possibility.
32. Multigrain chips have always provided healthful junk food.
33. They grew up in Wayne’s World.
34. U2 has always been more than a spy plane.
35. They were introduced to Jack Nicholson as “The Joker.”
36. Stadiums, rock tours and sporting events have always had corporate names.
37. American rock groups have always appeared in Moscow.
38. Commercial product placements have been the norm in films and on TV.
39. On Parents’ Day on campus, their folks could be mixing it up with Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz with daughter Ze, or Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford with son Cody.
40. Fox has always been a major network.
41. They drove their parents crazy with the Beavis and Butt-Head laugh.
42. The “Blue Man Group” has always been everywhere.
43. Women’s studies majors have always been offered on campus.
44. Being a latchkey kid has never been a big deal.
45. Thanks to MySpace and Facebook, autobiography can happen in real time.
46. They learned about JFK from Oliver Stone and Malcolm X from Spike Lee.
47. Most phone calls have never been private.
48. High definition television has always been available.
49. Microbreweries have always been ubiquitous.
50. Virtual reality has always been available when the real thing failed.
51. Smoking has never been allowed in public spaces in France.
52. China has always been more interested in making money than in reeducation.
53. Time has always worked with Warner.
54. Tiananmen Square is a 2008 Olympics venue, not the scene of a massacre.
55. The purchase of ivory has always been banned.
56. MTV has never featured music videos.
57. The space program has never really caught their attention except in disasters.
58. Jerry Springer has always been lowering the level of discourse on TV.
59. They get much more information from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than from the newspaper.
60. They’re always texting 1 n other.
61. They will encounter roughly equal numbers of female and male professors in the classroom.
62. They never saw Johnny Carson live on television.
63. They have no idea who Rusty Jones was or why he said “goodbye to rusty cars.”
64. Avatars have nothing to do with Hindu deities.
65. Chavez has nothing to do with iceberg lettuce and everything to do with oil.
66. Illinois has been trying to ban smoking since the year they were born.
67. The World Wide Web has been an online tool since they were born.
68. Chronic fatigue syndrome has always been debilitating and controversial.
69. Burma has always been Myanmar.
70. Dilbert has always been ridiculing cubicle culture.
71. Food packaging has always included nutritional labeling.