As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, “I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I’ve slept with dozens of them.” His wife looked at him calmly and said, “Why do you think I gave you the poison?”
A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting before him was a class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on the importance of observing details. To emphasize his point, Sir Osler announced: “This bottle contains a urine sample for analysis. It`s often possible by tasting it to determine the disease from which the patient suffers.”
He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He continued speaking: “Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this technique and diagnose the case.”
The bottle made it`s way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown.
Dr Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying: “Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details. Had you been observant, you would have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!”
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
“You`re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
“Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.
1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
“No you don`t, I`m not going to accept that. It`s late.”
The student looked incredulous and angry. “Do you know WHO I am?”
“No, as a matter of fact I don`t,” replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” the student asked again.
“No, and I don`t care.” replied the professor with an air of superiority.
“Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
Recently, a scientist from the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, required frequent visits to the bathroom, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn`t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
At the beginning of term, a professor tells his class that none of them will pass. The three that come the closest at the end of term, will get another chance to pass. So sure enough at the end of term, no one passes. At the end of the day the professor tells the three to come to class the next day dressed as an emotion. If he guesses the emotion they flunk, If not they pass with great scores. So the next day the first students arrive, The first one enters the room. He’s dressed all in green, the prof. says “You are green with envy… so sorry but you flunk.” The next guy, comes in dressed all in red… The prof says “You’re red with anger… better luck next time.” The last guy, a geeky guy, walks in, and the professor is stunned. The man is buck naked with a hard on and a pear tied to the end, The prof says” OK you pass, but please tell me what are you supposed to be.” The guy says ” Can’t you see, I’m f*cking dis pear!”