Do you know who I am? …

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

“You`re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

“Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

“No you don`t, I`m not going to accept that. It`s late.”

The student looked incredulous and angry. “Do you know WHO I am?”

“No, as a matter of fact I don`t,” replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” the student asked again.

“No, and I don`t care.” replied the professor with an air of superiority.

“Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Theory… Drinking Beer Turns Men Into Women…

Recently, a scientist from the USDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, required frequent visits to the bathroom, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn`t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Be An Emotion!

At the beginning of term, a professor tells his class that none of them will pass. The three that come the closest at the end of term, will get another chance to pass. So sure enough at the end of term, no one passes. At the end of the day the professor tells the three to come to class the next day dressed as an emotion. If he guesses the emotion they flunk, If not they pass with great scores. So the next day the first students arrive, The first one enters the room. He’s dressed all in green, the prof. says “You are green with envy… so sorry but you flunk.” The next guy, comes in dressed all in red… The prof says “You’re red with anger… better luck next time.” The last guy, a geeky guy, walks in, and the professor is stunned. The man is buck naked with a hard on and a pear tied to the end, The prof says” OK you pass, but please tell me what are you supposed to be.” The guy says ” Can’t you see, I’m f*cking dis pear!”

How To Properly Hug A Baby…

In Four Easy Steps… HERE

Two Very Nice Tee Shirts…

teen girl

buyavowel

Payback Is Sweet When It’s Done Right!

A man in Utah complained that his neighbor’s house was 18 inches over the height limit for the town and that it interupted his view of the mountains… The town made the neighbor lower his roof (at great expense)… So the nieghbor did a little remodeling of the vents at the back of his house…

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The first guy complained to the town council again… But there’s no ordinance covering vents… And besides… It’s on the back of the guys house… Not facing the street…

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Sooo… This is Mr. Complaint Guy’s view now…

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Be careful who you push around!!

Here Are Some Beautiful Places Of Pilgrimage…

 Courtesy of Mental_floss.com

2) Cathedral of St. Mary of Zion

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location: Aksum, Ethiopia
most frequented by: Ethiopian Orthodox
Anyone who’s seen “Raiders of the Lost Ark” knows that the Ark of the Covenant is the chest containing the stone tablets on which the 10 Commandments were inscribed. Aside from that, you can forget all the other Indiana Jones nonsense. The most prominent story of the Ark comes from Ethiopian tradition. According to that legend, the biblical Queen of Sheba was actually Queen Makeda of Ethiopia. After adopting Mosaic laws for the Ethiopian people, she sent her son Menelik and members of his staff to steal the Ark and bring it to Aksum. There, ostensibly, it remains—housed in the Church of Saint Mary of Zion, a relatively modest 17th-century stone building. Who gets the honor of guarding the holy relic and, consequently, being the only human on Earth allowed to actually see the Ark? That job goes to an especially holy monk, who’s tasked with the duty until death. In accordance with tradition, he names his successor with his dying words. So, if you want to know whether or not the Ark is really there, you’ll have to take the guardian’s word for it.
There are more than enough people, however, who don’t need any visible proof. Every year, thousands of tourists and pilgrims visit Aksum, a small mountain town about 300 miles north of the Ethiopian capital of Addis Ababa, to see the shrine protecting the Ark. Aksum is considered one of the holiest sites for followers of Ethiopian Orthodoxy, which counts itself among the oldest forms of Christianity.

3) Sri Harmandir Sahib

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location: Amritsar, India
most frequented by: Sikhs
Most Westerners know Sri Harmandir Sahib simply as “The Golden Temple,” so named for its structures adorned with gold and gold paint. But to the world’s roughly 20 million Sikhs, it’s their religion’s most sacred site. In fact, followers pray daily for a chance to visit the temple at least once during their lives.
Sri Harmandir Sahib is in Amritsar, a city about 240 miles north of New Delhi. Built in the late 16th century, the temple’s impressive architecture was designed to represent the magnificence and strength of the Sikh people. Sikhism itself is an offshoot of Hinduism founded about 500 years ago by Guru Nanak, a government accountant who rejected both Hinduism and Islam.
The temple at Sri Harmandir Sahib occupies a small island in the middle of a pool and is connected to land by a marble causeway. Every year, it attracts millions of pilgrims. In 2004 alone, more than 2.5 million Sikhs visited The Golden Temple to take part in a five-day celebration marking its 400th anniversary. Sadly, however, the temple has also attracted its fair share of violence, including attacks and conquests by Mongol, Arab, Afghan, and British armies. Perhaps the most notable incident occurred in 1984. Sikh separatists, feeling oppressed by the Hindu-dominated Indian government and seeking an independent state, occupied the temple and refused to leave. When Indian Prime Minister Indira Gandhi ordered soldiers and tanks to attack, more than 1,000 people were killed, and some of the buildings around the temple were badly damaged. Gandhi received scores of death threats and was assassinated a few months later by Sikh terrorists.

4) Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe

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location: Mexico City, Mexico
most frequented by: Roman Catholics
The story of the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe begins on a frosty December day in 1531, only a decade after the Spanish conquistador Hernán Cortéz toppled the Aztec empire. A 50-year-old Indian peasant named Juan Diego was trudging along between his village and modern-day Mexico City when he encountered the Virgin Mary, who told him to build a church on the site where they were standing. Not one to ignore an order from the mother of Christ, the peasant relayed the request to the local bishop. A bit suspicious of Diego’s claim, the bishop demanded proof of Mary’s request. In response, the Virgin (who conveniently appeared to Diego again) supplied the peasant with a bunch of roses in the dead of winter. Needless to say, the bishop was pretty impressed with the bouquet, but even more so by the likeness of Mary that was mysteriously imprinted on Diego’s cloak, and a church was promptly built.
Today, the site houses the old Basilica as well as a newer one, and millions of Catholics travel the world for a chance to walk inside. Pilgrims praying to the Virgin Mary there have reported miraculous cures, particularly for alcoholism. (Why alcoholism? We have no idea.) Diego’s cloak is also on display at the site, though it’s an object of controversy. Scientists argue about the authenticity of his cloak, and historians quibble over the authenticity of Juan Diego himself—some doubting such a man ever existed. The arguments, however, had a hard time competing with former Pope John Paul II’s stamp of approval. He visited the Basilica several times, and on a 2002 journey there, he made Juan Diego a saint.

MORE HERE

Quotable Quotes On War…

Nobody minds a war once in a while if it doesn’t last too long, and isn’t in your neighborhood.
     – Bertrand Russel

Frankly, I’d like to see government get out of war altogether and leave this whole field to private industry.
     – Joseph Heller

The real trouble with war…is that it gives no one a chance to kill the right people.
     – Ezra Pound

Man running to catch one train gets run over by another… Disturbing!

Unsuspecting Man Gets Taken Out by a Train
Apparently he didn’t think that huge, white solid mass of metal would hurt him. Maybe he thought it was Jesus?

Get humor videos at NothingToxic

Boeing’s 787 Dreamliner: Hacker Vulnerable?

According to an FAA document dated Jan. 2, Boeing’s blockbuster 787 Dreamliner passenger jet may have a serious security vulnerability that would allow passengers access critical aspects of the airplane’s control systems.

READ MORE  HERE  and HERE 

787 dreamliner

Boeing’s 787 Site Here 

Indian Company Announces A Car For The Masses… $2500

tata nano

Tata Company Chairman Ratan Tata announces the newly launched Tata Nano at the 9th Auto Expo in New Delhi, India, Thursday, Jan. 10, 2008. India’s Tata Motors unveiled its much anticipated US$2,500 car, an ultracheap price tag that suddenly brings car ownership into the reach of tens of millions of people across the world.

With a snub nose and a sloping roof, the world’s cheapest car can fit five people if they squeeze. And the basic version is spare: there’s no radio, no passenger-side mirror and only one windshield wiper. If you want air conditioning to cope with India’s brutal summers, you need to get the deluxe version.

READ MORE 

This Car Runs On Air… That’s Right… Air!!! And It Costs $7000

air carThe air car, also known as the Mini-CAT or City Cat, can be refueled in minutes from an air compressor at specially equipped gas stations and can go 200 km on a 1.5 euro fill-up — roughly 125 miles for $3. The top speed will be almost 70 mph and the cost of the vehicle as low as $7000.

READ MORE HERE

Cat Haiku…

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!

Behold, elevator butt.

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.

New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere

will find in morning.

What Would Happen If The Name Jesus Was Substituted For The Name Bankei?… Would This Not Be A Gospel Story?

 

Right and Wrong

When Bankei held his seclusion-weeks of meditation, pupils from many parts of Japan came to attend. During one of these gatherings a pupil was caught stealing. The matter was reported to Bankei with the request that the culprit be expelled. Bankei ignored the case.

Later the pupil was caught in a similar act, and again Bankei disregarded the matter. This angered the other pupils, who drew up a petition asking for the dismissal of the thief, stating that otherwise they would leave in a body.

When Bankei had read the petition he called everyone before him. “You are wise brothers,” he told them. “You know what is right and what is not right. You may go somewhere else to study if you wish, but this poor brother does not even know right from wrong. Who will teach him if I do not? I am going to keep him here even if all the rest of you leave.”

A torrent of tears cleansed the face of the brother who had stolen. All desire to steal had vanished.

Former President Carter Demonstrates A Full Makeover…

Carter drag2Before

Carter drag1After

Check Out Lisa’s Dilemma…

Ever Have One Of These Days?…

Just Can’t Get Through The Door

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this
parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

How’s He Gonna Explain This To His Wife?

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The President Got Mad Because Bill Got To Be A Babe Yesterday… Soooo….

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What Gets Me Is That He Got The Same Idiot Twice!

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Finland?!? Who Knew?

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Advertising People… God Bless ‘Em…

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Sun And Moon Over The North Pole…

sunset AK

This is the sunset at the North Pole with the moon at its closest point to earth.
Notice also the sun below the moon.

How Some Of The Pundits And Pollsters Feel On Jan, 9, 2008

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hillary nutcracker