I had an umbilical hernia that was about the size of a tennis ball… My HMO thought that maybe It could be done at my kitchen table… After a lot of squawking and screaming… They decided that they’d let the hospital handle it.
It was practically drive by surgery… In by 1… out by 5… And they treated the pain killers like they were barrels of oil… The guy has to cut through 3 inches of blubber before he can even see the thing and then he sews me up to where my belly button is twice as small as before and the nurse is giving me lectures about the dangers of pain medication instead of giving me the meds.
“You can get hooked on this stuff” she says while waving the needle tantalizingly close to my face…” I don’t want to give you too much”… “Give me the damn shot!” I scream… So she switches needles right in front of me and gives me a shot of saline… I want to bite her.
Six shots I get… Four are placebos… Then they throw me out… “We’re sorry”… “Outpatient is now closed”… “You can self medicate at home”…
Swear to God.