Los Cuatro Ojos

Reminiscing… A Few Stories

Every now and then… I write a short story about my time spent in Thailand a lot of years ago. Alf, over at Corkscrew-Balloon.com can usually get me going by sending me pictures of my old haunts and hangouts… This time he went out and found the house that I used to own in Bangkok when I first got married (the second time). So… I ended up sending a page or two of remembrances about some of the celebrities that visited there and of filming movies and such. It was a busy and exciting time.

Corkscrew-Balloon has been posting virtually every day since at least 1996 and was the inspiration for me to start LCO.

The House of Los Cuatro Ojos is grateful to The House of Corkscrew-Balloon Dot Com for devoting space to the past exploits of this high mileage old dog.

Zwingo!… A Real Time Waster… Fun Though…

http://www.kabomb.net/games/zwingo.html

Woman Breaks INTO Jail To Have Sex With Her Husband… Gets Caught… And Gets Away With It!

A woman was reportedly caught after breaking into a jail to have sex with her husband.

The wife sneaked into Standford Hill open prison on the Isle of Sheppey, Kent, in the early hours of Sunday, according to The Sun.

But she was caught by a guard in the grounds as she tried to leave. An inquiry into the security breach is under way.

The Sun’s source said: “She got in by climbing over a fence and her husband was waiting for her.

“He took her into to his cell for a romp and she left a short while later. A few people knew about it. Then while she was trying to leave she was spotted.

“She stood out because she was the only woman in an all-male jail!”

Her husband has now been sent to a higher security prison.

A Prison Service spokesman said: “A member of the public was found in the grounds of Standford Hill open prison. The intruder was challenged by a staff member.

“A prisoner has been returned to a closed establishment. Police are investigating.”

Kent Police said a woman was arrested on suspicion of criminal trespass and later released with no further action.

What do you call a pig with six legs and two willies?

A piglet born in Croatia with six legs and two penises has been nicknamed Octopig.

Owner Ivica Seic came up with the nickname, daily newspaper Vecernji List reported.

The farmer from the village of Vrpolje said Octopig also has two anuses, and was growing so fast they had decided to keep him as a pet.

Ivica said: “Who knows, maybe we can breed more although the two penises might be a problem.”

Man Shoots His Car… Hit By Ricochet

A US man injured himself in both legs after trying to loosen a stiff wheel-nut by shooting it with his gun.

The 66-year-old man, from Washington state, was repairing his car outside his home when the accident took place.

Shooting at the wheel from arm’s length with a 12-gauge shotgun, he was peppered with buckshot and debris, reports the BBC.

The man – who police say was on his own and sober – was taken to hospital with severe, but not life-threatening, injuries.

The man, from South Kitsap, southwest of Seattle, had been repairing his Lincoln Continental for two weeks, according to the police, and had removed all but one of the nuts on the right rear wheel.

Frustrated by the one remaining nut which refused to budge, he resorted to fire power in an effort to shift it.

“He’s bound and determined to get that lug nut off,” said Deputy Scott Wilson, a spokesman from the sheriff’s office.

He sustained injuries from his feet to the middle of his abdomen, with some pellets reaching as high as his chin, police said.

Today’s Insults –

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. – Mae West

You were born with your legs apart. They’ll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin.
- Joe Orton

Pushing forty? She’s hanging on for dear life. – Ivy Compton-Burnett 

You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving. – David Letterman

I see her as a great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere. – Noël Coward

Bride Jokes… “I Don’t” … Joke Backfires…

A bride who jokingly replied ‘I don’t’ found the joke was on her when the registrar refused to go ahead with the ceremony.

Tina Albrecht, 27, was to marry fiancé Dietmar Koch, 29, at a castle in Steyr, Upper Austria.

But after the receptionist tried to bring a bit of humor into the ceremony by saying “I don’t” before correcting herself, the authorities called the wedding off.

Under Austrian law, if either party replies to the key question in the negative the wedding is canceled and cannot be rescheduled for a further 10 weeks – to prevent forced marriages.

Ms Albrecht said: “We had to send all our guests home and now we have to wait until March before we can try again. In retrospect it was probably not so funny.”

Frustrated Wife Takes Job In A Brothel… I AM NOT Showing This Post To My Wife.

A frustrated German housewife says she has been forced to take a job in a brothel since her husband lost his sex drive.

Adelheid Kran, 58, from Berlin said: “I like sex, I like it a lot, but my husband Guenther has no appetite for sex anymore and does it about once a year.”

She added in order to combat the tension between them caused by her sexual frustration she has started working in a “mature ladies” brothel.

“I saw an ad in the paper looking for mature women and decided to try it. Guenther’s not thrilled about it, but I can’t hem myself in just because he’s not up for it and we’re actually getting on better now.

“It’s not something I do full time, and I only have sex with the men I like. In a job like this, you have to keep a certain standard,” she said.

From AnaNova.com

Study: Polygamous Men Have Lower Testosterone… Well DUH!!

While it’s nice to have this little fact verified by modern science… And as much as we menfolk like to fantasize on having more than one wife… Any man who’s been married more than 5 years and survived could have told them how much emasculation ONE woman is capable of… And then they’d just need to multiply by however many theoretical wives… There are a couple of other DUH statements in the article also.… Read on:
U.S. researchers studying male herders in Kenya find men with more than one wife have lower testosterone levels than monogamously married men.

The study, published in Current Anthropology, also found monogamously married men have lower testosterone levels than single men, and married men who are considered aloof spouses and provide minimal parenting have much lower testosterone levels than single, unmarried men.

Researchers Peter Gray of the University of Nevada, Peter Ellison of Harvard University and Benjamin Campbell of Boston University, looked for links between male testosterone levels and marital status among modern-day herders in northern Kenya, known as the Ariaal.

When herd boys reach puberty, they are initiated, become warriors and accumulate livestock. They seldom marry and have children until age 30.

Less than 2 percent of the herders consider their wives a source of emotional support. Rather, they seem to value social bonds with male peers more than spousal bonds or familial bonds, the researchers said.

From NewsDaily.com

Get Him Started Early Dad!!… I’ll Bet The Kids Thinking… What’s This A Menu?

This Is Not My Shadow!! Or Is It?

Man’s Sweat Is Green!

Doctors in China admit they are baffled after a man began to perspire green sweat.

Cheng Shunguo, 52, of Wuhan city, says his sweat turned green in the middle of November.

“I noticed that my underwear and bed sheets were all green, and even the water in the shower,” he told the Chutian Metropolis News.

Cheng says he feels no discomfort, but went to hospital because he was worried about his condition.

Doctors thoroughly cleaned his armpits but it took only 10 minutes for his sweat to turn a piece of white gauze green again. They have carried out blood tests on Cheng, but found everything to be normal.

“We can’t find the cause,” admitted a spokesman for the hospital which reported the case to the media in the hope of finding a solution.

Xmas Jokes!!

What is special about the Christmas alphabet?
It has NO EL.

What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itus!

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
He likes to ho-ho-ho.

How does Santa Claus take photos?
With his North Pole-aroid.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve.

Why are Christmas trees like people who can’t knit?
They both drop their needles!

Which reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?
“Rude”olph!

Living In A Cemetery… 10,000 Families Make Their Home In A Filipino Cemetery

10,000 Families live in cemeteries in Manila… They’ve made themselves at home in a big way!

Introducing… The Shenis, Or, What Happens When Girls Pee Standing Up

After hearing about the Shenis, a 12-inch-long, hollowed-out penis that enables women to pee standing up, it was clear what these ladies needed to do: Order a few and engage in a pissing contest…. So they gathered on a rooftop in Brooklyn, where they chugged beer, wine and water and then assumed the male pee position.

Video HERE at Jezebel.com

HERE is info on the Shenis… An actual product…

INSTRUCTIONS AND WARNING FOR THE SHENIS

WARNING
Always use your shenis in a safe place. Any location you would normally go without getting arrested. Ladies, stay out Men’s rooms. Men get threatened when approached by a woman with a dick.

WARNING:
Never use in a country that has a problem with women’s rights. Like Afghanistan. Big clue, if you can’t show your face or your body, you shouldn’t show your shenis.

BASIC INSTRUCTIONS:

Put in place
Pee
Belch
Scratch
Shake
Shake
Shake
zip up

Rinse

“A TRAGIC RETIREMENT STORY”…

My name is Bill. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Bonnie… When I retired a few months ago, it became necessary for Bonnie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club, so eating out is out of the question… I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves… I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of her aging is complaining… For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much… I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean)… I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix her self a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile… And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bonnie… I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.

Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a just a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile… After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Bill

EDITOR’S NOTE

Bill died suddenly on November 8, 2007 of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife, Bonnie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Bill somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his own golf club.

Malt Liquor Beers, and the People Who Drink Them, are Different

The only malt liquor I remember ever drinking was called Colt 45… Do they still make it?.. When I was a teenager and we got our hands on cheap booze… It was usually cheap fortified wine like Thunderbird or Wild Irish Rose… Today …I’m a confirmed Tequila Man… High end of course!!

According to one study:

Malt Liquor Beer (MLB) has a higher alcohol content by volume compared to other beers, are typically sold in larger containers, and are priced lower by volume. MLBs have also historically been targeted at lower-income, minority communities. A study in the March issue of Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research has found that MLB drinkers are more likely to be homeless, unemployed, receive public assistance, and tend to drink more alcohol, more often, than other types of drinkers.

MLB drinkers reported significantly higher rates of daily or near daily drinking, drinks per day on drinking days, and daily average alcohol consumption; MLB drinkers were also more likely to smoke while drinking, drink with same-sex friends, and drink outdoors.

MLBs are largely targeted to African American and Hispanic youth, and young adults. “Malt liquor brands such as Steel Reserve, Hurricane, Magnum, and Panther are used by the alcohol industry to connote power and machismo and lure youth and young adults into the market. Rap artists have been popular images in malt liquor advertising and ‘gangsta’ rap performers portray malt liquor as a sign of masculinity.

“Malt Liquor Beers can be sold in containers as large as 40-ounce bottles, or ‘forties’ as they are referred to,” Forties’ are commonly sold chilled and wrapped in brown paper bags for immediate consumption, and independent web sites devoted to malt liquor as well as rap lyrics and movie scripts encourage ‘chugging’ the bottles before they get warm. The combined effects of higher alcohol content, larger serving size, and faster consumption can result in higher blood alcohol levels, an increased risk of aggressive behavior, and other alcohol-related problems.”are likely to be more attractive to lower-income drinkers. In addition, advertising and popular culture references to MLBs are more prevalent in media that is likely to be seen or used by African Americans. In short, south Los Angeles seemed to fit the profile we needed.”

Read More

What Is This? Snake vs. Lizard?

Click to enlarge

Beer Seen as More Dangerous than Liquor, Wine says one study:

I agree with this statement and can categorically state that some of my most boneheaded endeavors have been beer fueled…. I have come closer to being killed when intoxicated by beer than at any other time… My hard liquor fueled shenanigans have tended to end in puking and misery… Whereas my beer fueled foolishness has lended itself to bonding and fond memories… My old buddies and I still reminisce about living through some of the beer blasted madness that fueled our youth.

(I could have saved these folks some money on this study if they’d asked me:)

When it comes to violence, all alcohol is not created equal: Beer is four times more likely to be consumed in a potentially hazardous way than liquor and wine combined, according to researcher Anita de Lucio-Brock of the Alcohol Related Injuries and Violence (ARIV) project.

Drinking also plays a role in gun violence: research has shown that 35 to 63 percent of all firearms victims had alcohol in their blood, as did 18-65 percent of all suicide victims. “Alcohol may be a factor in spontaneous or impulsive suicides,” wrote de Lucio-Brock.

READ MORE

That last statement about guns & booze seems to be a “DUH” moment to me… Who doesn’t know a story about booze & guns going bad? My brother once waved a loaded gun at me when we were beer -ed up… And then I socked him… Smart, huh? My grandfather said that the Good Lord looks after drunks, fools and children… We were all three at the time.

Pics From Pancho In Tucson

Cell Phone Locator – Track Anybody, Anywhere…

Check it out HERE

Toddler Playing With A Cobra… Somebody Call CPS!!

Death Trivia – 10 Facts

1. In ancient Japan, it was thought that somewhere on the tail of a cat there was a single hair that would restore life to a dying person. Relatives would sometimes bring a cat to the dying person, letting them pluck a hair to try their luck. So they’d die anyway, but with a cat swatting their face with their claws...
2. Jerome Rodale, who founded The Rodale Press publishing house, was taping an interview on the Dick Cavett Talk show. He was bragging about how he was so healthy he’d live to be 100 when he slumped over, dead from a heart attack. The show was never broadcast to the public because it’d be kinda funny.
3. In 1970, television newsmanChris Hubbock announced, “In keeping with Channel 40′s policy of always bringing you the latest in gore and guts in living color, you’re about to see another first – an attempted suicide”. Then she pulled out a gun and fatally shot herself in the head.
4. Paul Revere was the fist person to ever identify a body by dental records. He recognized the dead man because of work he had done joining two teeth together with silver wire.
5. Elvis and Charles Schultz were the #1 and #2 money earning dead people in 2002. Elvis made $31 million; Schultz made $9 million
6. Seven breeds of dog account for 98% of all fatal dog attacks. In order they are: Pit Bull, German Shepherd, Chow, Malamute, Husky, Wolf Hybrids, and the Akita. (Mothers-in-Law ranked # 11.)
7. Crematoria ovens heat typically to 1,100-1,300 F and will burn up a 180 lb. man in about an hour and a half. There’s always bones and chunks left; everything is then ground up and those are the ‘ashes’ you get back.
8. In 1355, when King Pedro of Portugal was crowned, he dug up his mistress to have her properly honored as queen. Loyal subjects bowed before the decorated corpse and had to kiss her hand. That was nice of him – most women can’t even get their husbands to take them out to a simple dinner while they’re alive …
9. When John F. Kennedy was assassinated in 1963, it was not a federal felony to kill a President of the United States.
10. The Viet Nam Memorial has the names of 38 people engraved on it who are listed as killed, but weren’t.

A Fertility Goddess?… I’m A Believer… Chao Mae Tuptim’s Shrine

20 years ago…After a 10 year childless marriage… And after having been told that I could never father children (courtesy of a little nuclear reactor incident)… I made a request at this shrine… And Lo and Behold!!… #1 son will be 19 soon… We had offered Chao Mae Tuptim a gift of oranges and a little wooden elephant if we had a son… Less than 2 years later, She came through. 4 years after that… we made good on our arrangement and asked for another one, please. 6 years after the first one … #2 son showed up. Best deals of my life. Straightforward…Simple… Sons for sacks of oranges… Payable ASAP… Now… as a father of 3, all of whom arrived relatively late in my life… Chao Mae Tuptim is still spoken of quite reverently around my house.

My friend Alf from over at Corkscrew-Balloon.com asked whether I wanted him to take pictures of a few spots in Bangkok for old times sake… So naturally, I asked him to stop by Chao Mae Tuptim’s Shrine and take a pic or two. He came through like a champ!

Yes… Those long things are what you think they are! They’re called linghams… But they represent penises. Madame Tuptim likes them… A lot!! But what do you expect at a fertility shrine? I couldn’t imagine going to get a big wooden or stone one (although apparently there’s a market for them)… So we went the wooden elephant statue route along with the sacks of oranges.

Someone was VERY, VERY grateful!

All pictures courtesy of Corkscrew-Balloon.com

There are lots more pics over at Corkscrew-Balloon... Along with a little bit of stuff Alf dug out of his archives that allude to another era in the life of TheFourEyes.

I’ve asked for and received permission from the Mama Bear to write up some reminisces of the Old Days before she took over my life. She’s gotten to the point where the memories of this high mileage old fart don’t irk her as much as they did when I still had the will to try to relive some of them! I’m working on one that maybe Alf will post while he’s still in Bangkok.

Seen On A Tee Shirt

And my favorite…